The Monkey Exhibit

There are some songs in my church experiences that I will have nothing to do with. Some of these songs you would want to stay away from, too, if you actually stopped to consider the merit of the lyrics compared with Biblical truth. I want to look at one of these songs now and break down the reasons I don’t think it has any merit.

“I went to the enemy’s camp/And I took back what he stole from me…” –Richard Black

First of all, is there an enemy’s camp? Is there a place where you could walk up to that has fallen angels sitting around campfires cooking hotdogs and marshmallows while telling stories of the humans they stole stuff from? Or, maybe the camp has a large pavilion in the middle where Lucifer has a map of the world laid out on a table, with arrows and Xs signifying his next big attack.

I don’t see any support for a fallen angel “camp” in the Bible.

Secondly (and I did rearrange some points so they don’t follow the same order as the song), the enemy didn’t steal anything from you; you let it slip. Be a mature adult and admit the responsibility that belongs to you. Your walk with God is not something that can be stolen. You are the one, and the only one, who has control of it.

Think about your Bible. Was it stolen? No, it’s right there on your nightstand or on your bookshelf collecting dust. Maybe you think your Bible reading time was stolen. Who has control of what you do with your time?

The same point goes for prayer. Prayer is not even a physical item which can be stolen, like your Bible is. As long as you have lips, as long as you have a tongue, and, barring those, as long as you have a mind capable of thought, you can pray to your God. Take the time to do it. It’s more important than a show you might watch, or another book you might read, or a website you might visit, even if the show and the book and the website are all about God.

Lastly, and most importantly, even if there was a camp, you wouldn’t have to go there to get your spirituality back. If you lost your Bible reading discipline, you start where you are, right now, instead of reading this, you pick up your Bible and you start reading. If you’ve let your life of prayer slip, you can start back up right now. These are just a couple examples of things that parishioners will think about when they sing this song. As I said, though, these are things you do not have to storm a theoretical enemy camp for.

This is an important point. Maybe some people haven’t gotten these disciplines back in their life because they don’t dare to go “to the enemy’s camp.” Usually people that storm enemy camps are brave, or specially trained, or have a secret up their sleeve. Maybe you don’t feel like you have what it takes to face the enemy and retrieve the spiritual things you have lost from your life. You don’t have go anywhere. Retrieving your spiritual life starts right where you are right now. You will find this out when you pick up your Bible and start reading it again.

The world has enough fantasy and fiction to sustain it until the end of days. Don’t bring fiction into your spiritual life. Let your songs, your conversation, and, above all, your relationship with God be based in reality and truth.

My sister’s dog got into my mother’s Super PoliGrip the other day. (It’s for her crown…really)

Before I get into that, did you know that PoliGrip has “the unique patented Ooze-Control Tip®?” Why does that not sound inviting? I know I should be sold on that fact alone, but I find myself oddly repulsed instead.

Ooze.

Anyway, the dog getting into the PoliGrip got my thinking: What if the dog’s jaw had hardened together? Would you have to take the dog to the vet to chisel the teeth apart? Or, would the vet have to yank the teeth? Would the dog then get doggie dentures?

I can see a dog trying to bark at the mailman when suddenly its teeth pop out. “Woof, woof!” *whump* “Whimper, whimper…”

At least it might control the dog’s ooze…

I’m noticing a trend recently with reading books and hearing stories about good people turning bad one innocent-seeming choice at a time. It makes me think that I should stop and look back at myself.

I wouldn’t say I’ve made any deliberately bad choices lately. But where have I ended up, if I look at the result of all my innocent choices over the past months or years? Can I see a trend? If I look at my path objectively, do I say “holy cow, how did I get here?” Or am I OK?

Choices aren’t always as innocuous as they seem. It pays to sit down before making a decision and ask where this choice will lead you. As for me, I don’t think I have to worry about ending up like the characters in these recent stories. But, I do need to concentrate more on the decisions I make. I need to keep the bigger picture in mind.

It’s that time of the year again. Time to drive off to another state and enjoy a week of shopping, exploring, and relaxation. This time we’re going to Rhode Island. My family went there recently and talked it up pretty good. We are at a resort with an indoor/outdoor pool, hot tubs, oceanview, and all the stuff that makes a week off relaxing.

I don’t know if I’ll exactly have a daily update like last year. Depends on how much the weather keeps us inside, I suppose. There are beaches and mansion tours. Hopefully enough to keep us busy for the 5 nights we’re gone.

I’m looking forward to it like I do every year. We’ve got to cram our usual 7 night experience into 5, though. So hold on to your hats, we could be in for a wild ride!

Later!

(As a side note, I’ve had some major writer’s block for…probably well over a month now. Hopefully a little vacation and a little more free time, plus a new internet-capable cell phone can bring me out of my funk. I hope so, even if you’re apathetic!)

I’m not very productive here at home.

I spend a lot of time online. Even the time I spend online isn’t exactly productive. Sure, keeping up with friends and relatives is nice, and reading blogs can be relaxing, but I’m not producing much. Consider this website right here. Not much gets posted here anymore. I’m spread out so thin that I do mostly reading these days instead of writing. I’m not all that happy about this fact.

Not only has my writing suffered, but my productivity around the house has gone down. I don’t keep up with tidying, cleaning, or any kind of outdoor activities as I would like. I feel positively lazy these days.

In light of all this, I’m signing off now to go put the dishes away. Here’s to hoping I change things around a bit.

I hate, hate, hate to admit this, but I need new clothes.

I don’t really like buying new clothes. I have clothes. I prefer to spend money on books or other leisure items. I’d even rather spend money on food, which doesn’t last very long considering other things you can buy.

Unfortunately, I need new clothes. The majority of my wardrobe seems to be faded, spotted, or stained. My wife has given up trying to tell me this; she just irons the clothes and lets me wear them. I’ve done a little ironing recently, however, and I have been unable to ignore the facts left under my nose.

*sigh* There goes my fun budget for a few months.

Earlier in the day, I often plan what I’m going to snack on later that night. (Tonight is popcorn, by the way.)

I gave this some thought tonight, and there are a few reasons why I think my planned snacking is a bad thing.

First of all, my planned snacking can lead to double-snacking. If I plan on having popcorn later, I might not still want the popcorn when the time comes. Maybe when the day is all done and I’m crawling in bed to read, the situations of the day have left me with a craving for ice cream. I had planned on having popcorn, though, so I pop a bag and munch on it while I read. Guess what I do when I’m done, though? I had a craving for ice cream, so after my bag of microwave popcorn, I go get some ice cream. Double snacking. If I wouldn’t have planned for popcorn earlier, I could have just had the ice cream. Why don’t I just change my plans? I don’t know. I kind of feel like I have left something undone. I have changed my plans before, but I don’t always do it. I’ll try to be better with that in the future.

Working off the changing my plans idea, the second problem with planned snacking is that I might not even be hungry when the time comes. Maybe we had dinner late. Maybe I’m full. Maybe I just don’t feel good. There are different reasons why I might not be hungry when reading time arrives at night. Regardless, I have made plans, and I prefer to keep them. I dutifully get my snack and pile it in on top of whatever else is already in my belly.

I have some kind of desire to be munching while I read. Even if I’m not hungry, sitting down doing nothing but reading seems to be some kind of signal to my body that it’s time to snack. If I could find a zero calorie snack that could be considered a munchy (crunchy is better), then I think I’d be golden. As it is, I’ve convinced myself that popcorn is the best snack food.

Finally, speaking of sending signals to my body, like some kind of Pavlov’s reader, I think planned snacking is a bad idea because it has created a habit. My snacking is apparently habit-forming. My body expects it. My hands, and even my mind, are restless if I’m just sitting down reading and not snacking. My body now reacts to this stimulus. I imagine when I settle down with a book, my body now automatically starts producing more saliva and stomach acid. My fight-or-flight muscles relax and my digestive muscles kick in.

I need to break this habit.

Maybe joining the gym will help me. I get home later, I eat later, I’m not hungry when the night settles down and I grab my book to start reading. Now if I can just stop planning my snack, then I won’t have to break my plans. Maybe, just maybe, I can spin out of this rut and move on to healthier eating habits.

I’m supposed to check out a gym after work. I told myself that I needed to start working out again. After my recent sickness, my second pneumonia within 7 months, I decided I need to up the exercise. In high school I worked out every year, played a sport every season but one, and didn’t miss a single day of school.

These days…not so much.

I can pack some clothes with the intention of stopping by the gym on the way home tonight, but I can already tell that I’ll probably talk myself out of it.

We’ll see.

Yesterday we drove a couple hours to see a loved one who is in the hospital post-op. The night before we had both had trouble sleeping, as my sickness kept us in bed the day prior. Somehow, after spending all day in bed, our bodies just didn’t want to sleep by the time actual bedtime rolled around.

So off we drove to Portland, sick and sleep-deprived.

By the time we were able to stop in Freeport, I was pretty spaced out from staring at the interstate in the sweltering hot car. (We can never get the right temperature in the car. When Krissy’s comfortable, I’m sweating).

In Portland I did pretty good while we were moving about, checking out the house and visiting. At one point things slowed down and I laid on the couch for a few minutes. I think my poor body thought it was time to sleep.

Well, I had to wake it up to go to the hospital. Things there aren’t perfect; our darling little girl doesn’t want to eat, drink, or move after her surgery. By the time we left, I was sporting a pretty annoying headache, not connected to the hospital visit.

We drove to Augusta for supper. When we finally sat down to order our drinks, I practically felt like crying due to how my body felt and the relentless pain in my head. This is not something that happens often, if ever. I took four ibuprofen, which is prescription strength and something else I don’t usually do, and had a Barq’s (which has some caffeine).

After dinner, I rode home with a much dulled headache and a feeling almost like contentment.

I started getting bronchitis symptoms on Saturday, the same day we decided to clean the house, by some odd coincidence.

Sunday it was more up into my sinuses, which is the opposite directly these things usually travel. I’ve been a bit miserable the last 24 hours.

Earlier today, I pulled a muscle in my ribs shoveling the walkway. That’s pathetic. I use a snow blower for most of the yard. I shouldn’t be pulling muscles on just a few shovelfuls.

Just now I dumped half of my dinner down the sink by mistake.

Totally strange days.

Do you ever have a dream with someone else in it, say a friend or a co-worker? When you see them the next day, you expect them to say something about it, as if they had the same dream you did.

“Hey, last night when we had dinner at that restaurant and you tried to call your wife, but you kept hitting the wrong buttons…for like an hour straight…that was hilarious!”

It never happens, but I sit around at work just waiting for someone to come up and talk about the dream.

Hey, have you ever tried the car wash? I did! Just now! They hose you down, sud you, scrub you with large strips of cloth, spin off dirt with big, red brushes, then rinse you off. For extra money, you can have Rain-X and rust inhibitors! It’s fun! You know who really could use Rain-X? Ducks! I wonder if they let ducks go through for free…

Next time I think I’ll bring my car!

The behemoth slowly raised his head, like a groggy boxer arising from an unexpected uppercut. The creature’s giant arms moved like a glacier on speed. He turned his unsteady head, wobbly as a newborn following the warm bottle you hold tantalizingly out of reach.

The mouth opened to inhale the atmosphere of an entire planet. He let out a sigh that would change the orbit of a lesser satellite. Plants withered from his rotten breath; he could never quite get all the charred flesh out of his teeth. Miles away, a cow mysteriously recollected the smell of the bull who used to share her paddock.

The monster lifted it’s mass, creating a new weather system when the air rushed in to fill the void. The sound of vertebrae aligning shattered the eardrums of a nearby flock of puffins. The creature’s eyes rolled back into its head as its body slammed again onto the lush vegetation.

Man, I hate getting up in the morning.

From Facebook to here. Let’s edit out the boring ones, shall we?

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?

My biological father’s name is Roger. Lee is his brother’s name, but not my original middle name. It was originally Leroy Edgar, a combination of my maternal grandfather’s middle name and my paternal grandfather’s first name. When I was growing up, I was told my middle name was Lee. It was like an acronym. When I was 18 I had the name legally changed.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

How much tearage is considered crying? Is misting up crying? Do you have to have multiple tears? If we go with misty, I’m going to have to say there is an amazing song that one girl sings in church. It never fails to

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?

Nothing against Andrew Osenga, but I’ll go with roast beef. I mean, they make steak and cheese subs out of it, too, right?

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

No. I have three godchildren, though. Officially I have two godchildren, but whatever. I’m kidnapping the third one. You can’t split up the pack.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?

No.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?

I haven’t decided yet.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?

Favorite? I have no idea. Probably something that is not good for me, like Fruity Pebbles. For quite a while, I’ve been sticking to the good old Total Raisin Bran, though. I don’t know why; it doesn’t keep me thin.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?

Some of them. I have sneakers that I wear around and on the treadmill that just stay tied. I have shoes I wear to work that get untied.

(What happened to question 12? Was it that bad?)

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?

Ben & Jerry’s Peanut Butter Cup. I have two in the freezer. One’s my wife’s, but she won’t mind if I eat it.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?

I’d say an overall look. I probably immediately categorize them: Little old lady, short fat lady, punk, teeny-bopper, jock, yuppy, etc.

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?

Lack of drive/ambition.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?

I’m not sure. I miss my friends Randy Matheson, John Woodard, and Kris Mailepors. I love Facebook for the simple fact that I have kind of found them again. I wish I could spend more time with my cousin David. I miss my great grandmother who raised me during some very formative years. I’m satisfied with all I have, though, and I don’t spend much time missing people.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?

The heater. I can’t concentrate well on reading or writing if there’s music in the background.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?

Midnight. I like dark blue. Before blue, red/orange was my favorite color. Or was it orange/red? The two weren’t the same, and I only really liked one of them.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?

Fritos, campfire, steak (cooked, not raw)

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?

Very much. I kind of miss him, too, but I feel like I lost out on my chance to spend time with him when he lived around here. Now I have no right to wish him back. I suck.

27. HAIR COLOR?

Brown. It was blonde when I was born, though.

28. EYE COLOR?

Blue

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?

When my eyes don’t reject them. In the last year or so, my eyes don’t seem to tolerate my contacts. They will get red and irritated after just a couple hours. That makes for an uncomfortable day at work. It stinks, too, because I’ve never really been a glasses person until recently. In high school, when my eyes first started going bad, I went straight to contacts. Grumble. It might be time to try Lasix. (sp?)

30 FAVORITE FOOD?

Ribeye steak.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?

Summer, when I can do things outside. Right now, everything’s buried under about 2 feet of snow, with another foot falling as I type.

35. HUGS OR KISSES?

Kisses. I don’t like almonds.

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?

Probably ice cream…with a lot of close seconds.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?

Sherman’s Lagoon: Greatest Hits and Near Misses. Sherman’s Lagoon is a cartoon strip. But we don’t get it around here. Our newspaper is lame.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?

A gel wrist-rest.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?

I am completely indifferent to both of them.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?

I guess Austin, TX.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?

No, but I ride a special bus! I would like to think I’m a writer, but I need to stop fooling myself.

Every once in a while I hear some new things that I like to check out. That reminds me other other things I meant to look into. Here are three I just researched today.

1) Obama wants to change the national anthem.

Answer: False.

I heard this one just today from my wife, who admitted that she never checks the source of the rumors she hears. Apparently this one has been going around for a while, I just never heard it. Amazing. I thought I got all spam that was going around…

2) Our economic stimulus money comes from China.

Answer: A portion of it probably does.

China is not the only country that holds our treasury debt, nor is it the one which holds the most. That’s Japan, though China is probably catching up. Read the link.

3) The newer ethanol based gasoline is not safe for outdoor power equipment.

Answer: There is a definite concern that you should look into.

Read the linked article carefully, check your machine’s manufacture date, read your owner’s manual, and follow manufacturer instructions. Add some K100 to your tank. You can purchase it locally at O’Neill’s Power Equipment.

For those of you reading this from my website instead of from a feed reader, the column to the left houses post titles to another little blog I sometimes email to. The Thought Exhibit is a place for one-liners as they hit me throughout the day. I guess that’s kind of like Twitter, except I don’t have Twitter and couldn’t keep up with Twitter while I’m at work.

Anyway, if anyone knows how I can get the feed in the left column to show the post body as well as the title…well…I’d be much obliged.

Is it OK that I’m jealous of Kari’s card catalog? Because I totally am.

Alas, I am no librarian. However, I do have books. I love books. Here are my bookshelves and my living room reading area:

(Yes, those are Christmas lights. They stay up year round. Yes, that’s crappy wallpaper and border that came with the house. Never mind them. Stay focused.)

I don’t have a card catalog, but my books are arranged alphabetically by author. My wife’s books, on the other hand…some are alphabetically by author. The state books are alphabetically by state (or, more accurately, by the name of the book). The collections are alphabetically by the name of the book. And the Christmas ones are arranged by height.

Are we strange?

I hear they are out, but I haven’t been presented a single order form yet. I feel like I’m going to miss out. I will be very disappointed if I do.

Pssshh, economy woes; I want to buy Girl Scout Cookies!

I don’t have much time. They’ll be here any moment. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

My house is now a wreck, and it’s about to get worse. The door’s so misshapen I can’t even keep it closed. There’s no way to keep them out. I knew it would end, but not so soon.

You never think it’s going to end like this. When they first leave, you figure you have all the time in the world to do whatever you want. You take your time; you don’t rush. There’s no sense of urgency, no matter how desperate the actual situation.

As time passes, the feeling starts to creep up on you. The paranoia. If your timing is wrong, you’re caught. All is lost. Everything you’ve worked so hard for. Everything that means anything to you. Life. Life is lost, for what kind of life is left to you once they return? Once you are back under that yolk.

Why am I still here? Why did I tarry? Why did I risk and lose it all?

There are only seconds…until the cows come home.

(Tonight is a good night to nab posts from commenting on other people’s sites.)

Buttercup: You can’t hurt me. Westley and I are joined by the bonds of love. And you cannot track that, not with a thousand bloodhounds, and you cannot break it, not with a thousand swords.

Brian is a conundrum to modern science. I’d like to think I am, too:

I’ve been married over 8 years. I’ve know my wife for about 9 years. Every time I see her is still like the first. I still catch myself just staring at her eyes as she talks, or listening to the sound of her voice instead of what she’s saying. I’m still hopelessly, madly in love, and I love the fact that I can say that.

When we were first married, some co-workers told me that my infatuation would fade. All I can say is that I’ve never exactly been like most other people.

I was going to finish that last part up with “read it and weep,” but I’m afraid some might actually do that. I don’t want to make people feel bad for their love lost. Not any worse than they’ll already feel reading this.

Let’s keep it up, shall we? Who’s with us?