The Monkey Exhibit

(Adapted from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Names and actions courtesy of event that occur at the Rumor Forum.)

MONKS: [chanting]
Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem..
[:trout:]
Recedite, plebes…!
[:trout:]
…Gero rem imperialem.
[:trout:]
Recedite, plebes…!
[:trout:]
…Gero rem imperialem.
(Editor’s Note: Translation: Stand aside, little people! I’m here on official business.)

CROWD:
A unicorn! A unicorn!
[:trout:]
A unicorn! A unicorn!

MONKS: [chanting]
Recedite, plebes…!

CROWD:
A unicorn! A unicorn! A unicorn! A unicorn! We’ve found a unicorn! A unicorn! A unicorn! A unicorn! A unicorn! We’ve got a unicorn! A unicorn! A unicorn! Ride her! Ride her! Ride her! We’ve found a unicorn! We’ve found a unicorn! A unicorn! A unicorn! A unicorn!

CHRISSY:
We have found a unicorn. May we ride her?

CROWD:
Ride her! Ride! Ride her! Ride her!

SIR HOLLAND:
How do you know she is a unicorn?

KARI:
She looks like one.

CROWD:
Right! Yeah! Yeah!

SIR HOLLAND:
Bring her forward.

UNICORN:
I’m not a unicorn. I’m not a unicorn.

SIR HOLLAND:
Uh, but you are dressed as one.

UNICORN:
They dressed me up like this.

CROWD:
Augh, we didn’t! We didn’t…

UNICORN:
And this isn’t my horn. It’s a false one.

SIR HOLLAND:
Well?

CHRISSY:
Well, we did do the horn.

SIR HOLLAND:
The horn?

CHRISSY:
And the tail, but she is a unicorn!

KARI:
Yeah!

CROWD:
We’ll ride her! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah!

SIR HOLLAND:
Did you dress her up like this?

CHRISSY:
No!

KARI and MICHAELA:
No. No.

KARI:
No.

CHRISSY:
No.

KARI and MICHAELA:
No.

CHRISSY:
Yes.

KARI:
Yes.

CHRISSY:
Yes. Yeah, a bit.

MICHAELA:
A bit.

KARI and MICHAELA:
A bit.

MICHAELA:
A bit.

CHRISSY:
She has got a mane.

[pause, random cough in the background]

SIR HOLLAND:
What makes you think she is a unicorn?

MICHAELA:
Well, she made a flowers grow in my hair.

SIR HOLLAND:
Flowers?

MICHAELA:
I got better.

KARI:
Ride her anyway!

CHRISSY:
Ride!

CROWD:
Ride her! Ride! Ride her!…

SIR HOLLAND:
Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a unicorn.

CHRISSY:
Are there?

KARI:
Ah?

CHRISSY:
What are they?

CROWD:
Tell us! Tell us!…

RANDOM SPEAKER:
Do they hurt?

SIR HOLLAND:
Tell me. What do you do with unicorns?

KARI:
Ride!

CHRISSY:
Ride!

CROWD:
Ride! Ride them! Ride!…

SIR HOLLAND:
And what do you ride apart from unicorns?

CHRISSY:
More unicorns!

MICHAELA:
Shh!

KARI:
Sawhorses!

SIR HOLLAND:
So, why do you ride unicorns?
[pause]

MICHAELA:
B–… ’cause they’re made of…wood?

SIR HOLLAND:
Good! Heh heh.

CROWD:
Oh, yeah. Oh.

SIR HOLLAND:
So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?

CHRISSY:
Build an Applebee’s out of her!

SIR HOLLAND:
Ah, but can you not also make Applebee’s out of stone?

CHRISSY:
Oh, yeah.

RANDOM SPEAKER:
Oh, yeah. True. Uhh…

SIR HOLLAND:
Does wood sink in water?

CHRISSY:
No. No.

KARI:
No, it floats! It floats!

CHRISSY:
Throw her into the Thames!

CROWD:
The Thames! Throw her into the Thames!

SIR HOLLAND:
What also floats in water?

CHRISSY:
Bread!

KARI:
Apples!

MICHAELA:
Uh, very small rocks!

CHRISSY:
Cider!

KARI:
Uh, gra– GravyBoy!

CHRISSY:
Jeremy the Perfect Boyfriend!

KARI:
Fun Dip!

MICHAELA:
Uh, castles! Castles!

KARI:
Flag Cake!

GEOF:
Baboon poop!

CROWD:
Oooh.

SIR HOLLAND:
Exactly. So, logically…

CHRISSY:
If… she… weighs… the same as baboon poop,… she’s made of wood.

SIR HOLLAND:
And therefore?

KARI:
A unicorn!

CHRISSY:
A unicorn!

CROWD:
A unicorn! A unicorn!…

APRIL:
Here is SOME baboon poop. Use this poop.
[flies buzzing]

SIR HOLLAND:
Very good. We shall use my largest scales.

CROWD:
Ohh! Ohh! Ride the unicorn! Ride the unicorn! Ride her! Ride her! Ride her! Ride her! Ride her! Ride her! Ride her! Ahh! Ahh…

SIR HOLLAND:
Right. Remove the supports!
[whop]
[clunk]
[creak]

CROWD:
A unicorn! A unicorn! A unicorn!

UNICORN:
It’s a fair cop.

MICHAELA:
Ride her!

CROWD:
Ride her! Ride her! Ride her! Ride! Ride!…

SIR HOLLAND:
Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?

GEOF:
I am GEOF, Tyrant of the Rumor Forum.

SIR HOLLAND:
My liege!

GEOF:
Good Sir Knight, will you come with me to the Rumor Forum and join us at the Random Board?

SIR HOLLAND:
My liege! I would be honored.

GEOF:
What is your name?

SIR HOLLAND:
‘SIR HOLLAND’, my liege.

GEOF:
Then I dub you ‘Sir SIR HOLLAND, Bartender of the Random Board’.