Dear Snickers
By Roger ~ October 1st, 2008. Filed under: Nobody Asks Me First.
What happened?
You used to be delicious and filling. Now you taste stale and bland. Did something happen to your once fresh peanuts? They used to tumble around in my mouth like a salted massage roller, caressing my inner cheek and gums. Now it tastes like you’re using left overs from the floor of a Texas Roadhouse located in the seedy part of town.
What happened to the chewy caramel? It would stretch from mouth to bar in a sticky, sugary tightrope. Whatever is left of the caramel is now overpowered by something that tastes like Styrofoam. Disturbing.
I’ll miss you.
October 1st, 2008 at 7:18 pm
Dear Consumer Monkey,
Due to the high costs of fresh peanuts and the lack of quality squirrels to sort nuts we have indeed accepted the sweepings from the popular chain known as Texas Roadhouse. We insure you that all nuts are cleaned and inspected by anteaters. Why anteaters you ask, well the don’t eat the nuts (an unfortunate side cost of using Squirrels) and they work for ants (very plentiful).
The styrofoam tasting caramel is actually a new form of liquified styrofoam, caramel flavored of course. It is cheaper than real caramel. We do appreciate your input though and will endeavor to fix the elasticity of the liquified styrofoam.
Please accept this case of new cheaply made Snickers bars, we appreciate your patronage.
Sincerely,
Long Chiu
Outsourced PR Manager
Snickers INC: Surgeon General warns you of possible carcinogenic side effects of the new largely artificial Snickers Bar. Snickers INC accepts no responsibility to the these effects as the consumer should be wise enough to avoid such artificial crap.
October 2nd, 2008 at 6:39 am
Wow. That’s even longer than the post. Good job! Now I can feed my enemies…
Wanna Snickers?
October 3rd, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Maybe your taste buds are getting old as well? Hmmmmmmmmmmmm? Hmmmmmmmmmm?
October 4th, 2008 at 9:15 am
That would be utterly and in all ways completely inconceivable!