The Thought ExhibitNo, this is not some hilarious one-liner to end a crowd-pleasing joke. This is a true account of my experiences last night. The wife and I drove to Portland, two hours away, to join our friends at a birthday dinner. The restaurant chose was vegetarian. And, I believe, not just vegetarian but vegan as well. [...]
This morning’s victuals are indeed quite more robust than to what I am used. A cold, hard-boiled egg begins the hearty romp through my palate, taken from it’s refuge where it previously awaited becoming salad fixings. There is no forgiveness as I steal it from it’s temporary home and other hard-boiled companion to digest it [...]
My sister’s dog got into my mother’s Super PoliGrip the other day. (It’s for her crown…really) Before I get into that, did you know that PoliGrip has “the unique patented Ooze-Control Tip®?” Why does that not sound inviting? I know I should be sold on that fact alone, but I find myself oddly repulsed instead. [...]
I don’t have much time. They’ll be here any moment. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. My house is now a wreck, and it’s about to get worse. The door’s so misshapen I can’t even keep it closed. There’s no way to keep them out. I knew it would end, but not so soon. [...]
Kevin says 2008 is behind us like dead body of a freshly killed squirrel. Me…I don’t know…it seems like 2008 is still holding on to life, like the squirrel you clipped with your car but is still back there on the road running in circles because you only paralyzed its entire right side. Soon, though, [...]
Sunday afternoons find me feeling sleepy. If I don’t take a nap, I’m kind of spacey at night. If I do take a nap, I find it difficult to get to sleep on Sunday night. Which makes me tired on Monday morning. Which causes me to drink caffeinated products. Which makes it difficult to sleep [...]
Stop beeping at me, microwave! Have you ever noticed how fast two minutes can go by when you’re on the internet? I believe I’ve found the secret to time travel! And my supper is done.
Did you ever just want to sleep all day? No, I mean sometime when you weren’t depressed. Anyway, how come the bed’s so comfortable in the morning? What? No, I haven’t been looking at your medical records. No, I just assumed you were depressed. And quite often, too, What do you mean it’s none of [...]
There are hermit crabs and hermit people. What about hermit monkeys? “Johnny, stay away from the crazy monkey that lives by himself in the cave outside of town! He’ll beat his chest and fling poo at you. He shows his teeth and sticks out his tongue. I swear, he has no social skills at all.” [...]
It’s difficult to remember that villains have feelings, too. I know in the books you read a lot about the bad guy becoming the bad buy because of the fact that he has feelings and someone has hurt them. I’m thinking more…realistically, though, if I can presume so much. I thinking of Willoughby from Sense [...]
These puppies are pure sugar. I wonder if they are hurting my pancreas and my ability to process glucose. Wouldn’t it suck to become diabetic just because I can’t keep my hands out of the orange slice bag? Either they are addictive, or I really, truly have too much of an addictive personality when it [...]
disease our minds as well as our bodies. Sedentary lives lead to obesity and all the health woes included therein. The mind wastes as it spends fruitless hours engorged with entertainment, whether on the TV or the internet, at the bar or at the bowling alley. We are increasingly unable to physically provide for ourselves. [...]
We don’t use near as many forks as we do spoons. I wonder if other families are like that. What if we’re different? What if we’re strange? What if we’re not like everyone else?
I am no longer funny. I know. I know. I’m sorry. Gasp in disbelief. Scream in horror. Tear out your hair, rend your clothes, gnash your teeth. Make an appointment with your shrink. I just don’t have it any more. Overreacting, you say? Just looking for attention, you think? No. I apologize. It’s true. I [...]
If your car’s AC isn’t working properly, you have two choices on how to drive down the interstate on a hot day. We’ve now tried them both. Option 1: Ride with the windows up and the vents blasting. Riding with the windows up will increase your gas mileage, though it will also make the car [...]
Teeth vs Lips
You know how there can be too many chiefs and not enough Indians? Too many people are trying to be the one(s) in charge, but nobody wants to do the work. I’m under the impression that good leaders also make good followers. Good leaders know the importance of the leadership role. They know that people [...]
I actually started raking the lawn beside the road Monday night. I didn’t plan on doing it for long, which is probably why I accomplished a lot more than I expected. Is there some kind of a physical law that the energy necessary to do the work is inversely proportional to the amount of time [...]
We’ve let the house go too long. It was innocent, deciding to rest a day here and there instead of cleaning, but it has gotten out of control. The crumbs on the kitchen floor are painful little caltrops to any not in steel boots. The mold on the floor challenges you before you can pass [...]
When I grow up, I want to be a SCUBA clown. I would go in the water and distract the sharks until divers were out of danger. I could hide in a barrel flavored with bitter apple. I hear bitter apple keeps animals from chewing on things. The barrel should have a reinforced, or drop, [...]