One day in a bizarre psychiatrist office:
PhD: Mr. Paul, Looks like you are still having troubles sleeping. What was it this time? Aliens? Sheep dressed as clowns? Your mother-in-law?
Patient: I was fighting a police officer. I didn’t want to fight him…it just kinda happened.
PhD: Dreams about fighting the [...]
Come, all ye who are feeling unwell, yet not bad off enough to stay home from work! Join me in rampaging over those who are not sick in any way! We’ll infect those closest to us, and, after the dizziness passes, we’ll spread out pre-disease thick through the rest of the building! [...]
Mr. Puddin thinks you are a delightful young rapscallion, clever as the day is long!
Mr. Puddin is an ebullient egalitarian, eagerly engaging energetic youth to make the most of themselves. He also likes butter. So load up those potatoes, and cook that steak rare! None of that margarine spread for Puddin; no [...]
Today I gave a Walk-In Care nurse practitioner a pop quiz regarding why my jaw would hurt right around my lymph node. After the quiz, he suggested that I could have the symptoms of mumps. This led me to make an appointment at my PCP office.
At the office, the MA took my vital [...]
The Maine Turnpike began a new program this summer where they handed out fliers titled “Welcome to Vacationland.” These fliers will be handed out to all cars with license plates from Massachusetts, Connecticut, New York, and New Jersey.
The fliers state the following rules for visiting Maine:
1. That slope-shouldered farm boy you are snickering at [...]
Just a reminder to everyone: Though there may be some poo flinging and you may see the animals trying to mate with each other, this is a family friendly exhibit.
*splat*
Little girl. Little GIRL! Don’t stick your fingers in that. You don’t know where it’s been. OK, I guess you do [...]
Eric asked me if I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I wasn’t, but I did think I might have been born with a sarcastic retort in my mouth. He said that would make me British. To be from the USA, I figured that I had to be born [...]
*Dial tone*
*beep-boop-boop-bop-beep-beep-bop*
You have reached Mark. I’m not available right now, but if you leave a message I’ll get right back to you.
Hi, Mark. It’s Roger. Hey, I was planning your wedding and wanted to know: should Debi do the face painting before the wedding party does the Thriller dance? I thought [...]
Hey, pal, cough on me. No, seriously. Come right over here and hack in my face. That’s it. Let it all out. Everyone needs a good cough once in a while; you need to clear your lungs. Good job.
Now…wipe your nose on the side of your hand. Good. [...]
If I’ve learned anything from Peter’s blog, it’s that this forum is a place where I can safely expel the thoughts that build up inside me. When I think of things I would have like to have done or would have like to have said but would have led to a public shunning, I [...]
Some interesting facts about Canadians are:
A Canadian rolls some dung into a ball. Then it digs its front legs into the ground and uses its back legs to push the ball of dung.
A land of vast distances and rich natural resources, Canada became a self-governing dominion in 1867 while retaining ties to the British crown…which [...]
My friend ‘vicodin’ left me this comment:
vicodin Heh. How it goes? Buy it all. ASAP. Last discount in your live (AAAAA!!!!!). Take a rest.
What a guy! In one short comment the shows his humor, his interest in my life, he gives me great purchasing tips as well as the time frame in which [...]
“Ethel, there is something I need to tell you if our relationship is to continue.”
“John? What is it?”
“Darling, every month in the light of the full moon I go through the most hideous transformation.. For that night only I am not myself and I am controlled only by base instincts.”
“Oh, John! Please, [...]
In September, I took on one of the many rites of manhood that I had thus far avoided; I went white water rafting. I’m a good swimmer, who doesn’t mind a thrill ride so it’s odd that I hadn’t gone on this particular type of outing before.
The ride was fun, at least [...]
This season’s customer service award goes to Stormy Kromer Mercantile USA for the email response that was sent the moment my wife placed an order:
Dear KRISTEN
Just thought we would let you know that in just a few minutes, your order will be carefully removed from our Stormy Kromer shelves, placed into some sort of container, [...]
(A version of this was forwarded to me last holiday season, but too late for me to post it. Here’s my version.)
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving [...]
Yesterday, in the middle of the day, I was warned that after work we were going for a walk. My heart skipped a beat. A walk? Can my body handle such a thing? All I’m good for these days is sitting around the computer or reading in bed. Neither one [...]
Kari and Mike just returned from vacation to find that their toilet had leaked, causing a great mess, and their air conditioner (AC) had stopped working. Being a .net and website acquaintance, I could not help but feel sorry for their great inconvenience. I decide that I needed to take up my guitar [...]
After weeks of it invading every area of my life, my mind has snapped. I now, wholeheartedly embrace the rain. The rain is my new best friend. Overcoming barriers that I had previously established, the rain has invaded my personal space and garnered my affection. In Psychology class I learned that [...]
I feel like Gluttony Tonight! Today I raked, clipped old plant stems and generally cleaned up the yard for a couple of hours. Gotta love the great outdoors! I had enough dirt on my front lawn (since the snow has melted) to start my own Public Works Way-Station. I may package [...]
