Archive for the 'Monkey News' Category

Sandra Jean Davis Memorial

Thursday, June 4th, 2015

Nanny (Sandra Jean) was born 12/28/1939 in Bangor, Maine to Florence and Norman. It was Thursday, under the sign of Capricorn. The US president was Franklin D. Roosevelt. Color TVs were not yet invented. Little about her childhood is known, but there is no definitive proof that she wasn’t a child prodigy or imbued with […]

Happy National Monkey Day!

Sunday, December 14th, 2014

I Knight You, Sir Squirrel!

Friday, May 24th, 2013

Of the Acorn Arms! Who rides the vicious battle skunk of Findor! Who razes with little catapults loaded with acorns!

What the Liberal Media Won’t Tell You in an Election Year

Thursday, October 23rd, 2008

BBC News: Russian squirrel pack ‘kills dog’ Squirrels have bitten to death a stray dog which was barking at them in a Russian park, local media report. Passers-by were too late to stop the attack by the black squirrels in a village in the far east, which reportedly lasted about a minute. They are said […]

Impending Squirrel Attack

Thursday, October 16th, 2008

I write this, my friends, so you will not be ignorant of the impending doom that is about to come upon all 50 states (that have squirrels). I type with my shades down today, as increasing numbers of squirrels canvas my house. In deliberate facade, they peek under fallen leaves for the acorns that will […]

The Squirrels Are Getting Smarter

Wednesday, July 30th, 2008

The bird feeder is squirrel-proof. It’s spring-loaded and drops down to cover the opening when something heavier than a bird is on the perch. I caught a squirrel on it the other day. It was bending the metal that covers the openings. His buddy was on the ground watching, maybe waiting for the thief to […]

Man Slips on Pillow

Thursday, June 12th, 2008

Monkey Press. 06/12/2008 A husband slipped and fell, cracking his head on the wall after stepping on a pillow left on the bedroom floor yesterday. The pillow, being light and fluffy, was not stable enough to support proper footing as the husband walked on top of it. This instability caused he foot to keep moving […]

Manservant Marcus

Tuesday, April 8th, 2008

Do you have a problem making yourself understood to others? Do you sometimes wish for someone who could translate what you imply to say into meaningful speech? Are you one of many groups* who has trouble communicating with the rest of average society? Do you wish you had a better grip on not only your […]

Stabbing May Be Harmful to Monkeys

Wednesday, March 5th, 2008

I have never done such a thing before, but I simply must post this YouTube video on this site. Enjoy.

Cheeraholics Anonymous

Monday, February 25th, 2008

Are you always happy in the mornings, even on Mondays? Do you get scowled at by coworkers when you walk in whistling a tune and beaming from ear to ear – without coffee or drugs? Are you shunned by family because your life isn’t in ruins like theirs? This is the program for you! In […]

Presidential Race Update

Monday, February 11th, 2008

(TME) — Sen. John McChimp cemented his Republican front-runner status Tuesday, piling up big wins coast to coast, according to TME projections. Democratic voters remain evenly split on Sen. Hillary Capuchin and Sen. Barack Orangutan for their party’s nomination. Both the Orangutan and Capuchin campaigns acknowledge an edge to Orangutan in races. Capuchin will focus […]

Visine Relationship

Friday, February 1st, 2008

Remember Visine. They’re like the eye experts.

Beefing Up Site Security

Thursday, January 24th, 2008

Tired of spam, comment spam, and trackback spam? Me, too. Tired of constant attempts to hack your site and fighting ghost posts of ferret propaganda? Me, too. Looking for someone who is up to the task of protecting your digital and virtual investments? Hey, who isn’t? I give you The Monkey Exhibit’s new security commander, […]

California Highway Monkey Patrols (C.Hi.M.Ps.)

Saturday, December 8th, 2007

“Is that a monkey on a motorcycle in the rearview mirror? He’s pulling me over! I’m being pulled over on the highway by a monkey!” “Good morning, sir. Are you carrying any bananas in the vehicle?” “Bananas?” “Yes, that is correct. Bananas.” “Are bananas suddenly illegal?” “Just answer the question, sir. Are you or are […]

Special Weapon Ape Tactics

Wednesday, December 5th, 2007

The Police Department is looking to add a human to its all-monkey SWAT team. ”Everybody laughs about it until they really start thinking about it,” said Officer Scream Truebellow, who builds and operates tactical robots for the suburban SWAT team. ”It would change the way we do business.” Truebellow is spearheading the department’s request to […]

Smurfy Beary Soup

Thursday, November 29th, 2007

Intro: “La, la, la-la, la, la, bouncing here and there and…I can’t remember where, la, la-la, la…la.” “You’ve waited a long time, but it’s finally here! Qwert Yuppy Industries has managed to combine the bouncy goodness of Gummy Bears with the joy of chomping down Smurfs! We call it Smurfy Beary Soup! Captured in the […]

So Says the CDC

Friday, November 16th, 2007

This is probably the last I’ll say on the matter. Again, I don’t necessarily seek to sway anyone one way or another, I just want us all to work with correct information as opposed to all the assumptions that I’ve been working with. I’m not sure if it’s legal to cut and paste from the […]

Super Squirrel

Wednesday, October 17th, 2007

You know, I was going to change topics. I have some other ideas bouncing around this brain, ideas that I discussed with Scoob today, but you made me do this instead: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . […]

Squirrel Behavior

Monday, October 15th, 2007

Due to the odd nature of the squirrel in my back yard, I’ve done a little research on the critters. I think I’ve found the explanation of its strange behavior: After about 30 years of maturing, adult female squirrels return to the ground to nest, usually on the same lawn upon which they were birthed. […]

Tinker Gray

Friday, October 12th, 2007

Dearly beloved, we gather here today to mourn the passing of our beloved brother, Tinker. Tinker was a husband, father, son, brother, friend, and all around nutty guy. They say that some die never knowing what hit them. That is certainly true for Tinker. His favorite pastime was sitting by the side of the road […]