Here’s hoping for a miserly February!

The number of overweight and obese people in America is certainly not going down so this should be a wonderful idea. I, personally, dislike having to bend over to tie my shoes. It squishes my belly up between my thighs and my chest. Not a wonderful sensation. Most decent shoes, especially the affordable ones, have laces. This is most inconvenient. Laces mean that at least twice a day I’m squishing my belly because of my shoes. How wrong is that? This is why I usually leave my shoes tied loosely, so I can just slip them on and off. This can make for some uncomfortable walking, though. My shoes aren’t tight, so they are wearing against my achilles and the top of my foot as they slide back and forth with each step. Ouch!

Think about this, too: there are many, what I call, punks out there who like to wear baggy clothes and untied shoes (tangent: maybe they wear baggy clothes because they’re fat, too…). Think of how much more convenient it would be for them if they didn’t have to leave their shoes untied. When they head out to the basketball court (why is it all punks seem to be basketball pros…), their pants may still fall down, but their shoes would remain safely in place. No twisted ankles for these homeboys!

I know I’ve only used a couple examples; I didn’t even begin about the benefits to the older generation…all these baby boomers are going to be getting arthritis soon and won’t want to bend down to tie their shoes! Anyway, I think I’ve made my point admirably. More Americans getting fatter younger, homeboys who don’t want twisted ankles, and being gentle on geriatrics are all good reasons for you to begin manufacturing and marketing more slip-on shoes.

Now get to work.

This is a metaphor with legs. However, it has one flaw that needs addressing: Windows and Linux are software, and Apple is a hardware company. This problem can be solved like many other problems are solved in the computer industry: By adding monkeys.

No, seriously. It works like this. Computer hardware has changed immeasurably in the last 30 years, and nowadays everything we do must be guided by an operating system. To illustrate that situtation with cars, I could say that all modern cars are so fancy and complicated that each one sold comes with a chauffeur who will do the driving for you.

For example, if you buy an Apple sedan, you also receive a little monkey in a snappy blue suit. Your personal X-Monkey (as the company calls him) is the ideal driver of your Apple sedan. He knows where everything is, feeds and washes himself, drives defensively, and will even tune up the car for you. X-Monkey will accept precise instructions like, “forward 10 feet, right 20 degrees”, but he is smart enough to think on his own, so you can tell him “Drive me to a taco stand, then pick up Uncle Steve”. He will also keep you out of trouble, by politely ignoring instructions like, “Run over that jogger”, and “Floor it”, when you’re at a red light. Depending on your temperament, this could actually be a downside.

The X-Monkey comes from a line of monkeys originally bred by the military for the purpose of driving tanks. It’s a good fit, because the modern Apple sedan is actually a tank in a fancy shell. The X-Monkey’s only drawback is that he can only drive a car from Apple. Show him any other vehicle, and he won’t even know how to operate the door lock.

Meanwhile, the free-thinking Linux people, displeased with genetic engineering, have created their own smart monkey chauffeurs through a massive international breeding program. Unlike the X-Monkey, the Linux Monkey is capable of driving any car, including the Apple sedan. If you could install a steering wheel on a log splitter, the Linux Monkey could drive it for you. The catch is, you have to train the Linux Monkey yourself. Fortunately there are experts everywhere who will help you out, and the Linux Monkey trains easily.

The Microsoft Gorilla, on the other hand, cannot be trained. Instead, you must keep rephrasing your directions until the MS Gorilla can comprehend them. He consumes both front seats, lowering the mileage of your car, and blocking most of your view. Though he sounds like a bad deal, MS Gorilla is actually extremely popular, because he looks impressive, drives aggressively, and keeps his mouth shut. If you speak in his limited vocabulary, he will take you Where You Want To Go Today … especially if he can plow monkeys off the intervening road. However, if you touch anything on the dashboard, or try to haggle with him over the exact route, he may become irritated and casually drive your car into a telephone pole. People learn to not argue.

The point to this altered metaphor is that the Microsoft dealership, and the Linux collective, do not really make cars at all. All those shiny automobiles sitting on the lot and lined up on the street corner are re-branded vehicles, manufactured by other companies. However, their modern instrument panels are so confusing that they’d be useless without a chauffeur. … And the Microsoft dealership gets a cut from the price of every vehicle that leaves their lot, piloted by the Microsoft Gorilla.

If you were so inclined, you could purchase a car from them, drive to the sidewalk, and kick the gorilla out onto the curb. The Linux Monkey can hop right in and start driving for you. Of course, Microsoft already has your money, and what are you going to do with a spare gorilla?

Contrast this with the Apple dealership, that personally designs and assembles every Apple sedan. When a sedan leaves their lot, they pocket the whole amount. You could still kick out the X-Monkey any time, but why would you? The Linux Monkey is basically the same, without the training.

This post in no way indicates my feelings for any of the above companies–Roger

When the Knights defeated the Chicken in what some called “underhanded” combat, the FCC was enraged. After meeting behind closed doors for a week (with only a 100 lb. bag of cracked corn), the FCC released this devastating blow.

“Our serfs shant be able to decipher the script!” complained Regor the Bald in a press conference Tueday.

“If things get worse, we’ve saved a ruling of only using an obscure Aboriginal dialect, one of speaking only, not a written language. That will only come into play if the Knights can’t be made to see reason,” quoted the SpokesChicken.

For now we can only watch and see what this move does to the fiscal prowess of the White Knights.

Making adjustments to our home or business environments supports our ability to flow with the currents inherent in our lives. Feng Shui promotes balance, efficiency and comfort in all that we do. Our environments should work with us, to support our hopes and dreams.

This ancient Chinese Art is over 6,000 years old. It has gone through changes over the centuries to accommodate changing habitats and cultural proclivities and yet remains true to the source. It is as relevant today as it was centuries ago and continues to enhance the lives of those who prescribe to its age old wisdom.

Now, our readers may wonder what workplace harmony was needed 6000 years ago. The answer could be as simple as aligning the clouds and the winds as they planted rice, or being one with the antelope as you killed it (which we think might hurt).

The ancients practiced rituals known as “meetings.” It was in these meetings that those who shared a workplace would gather together to discuss their work habits and responsibilities and thereby ease tensions.

The oldest know meeting we have on record is preserved on a papyrus dating to an early Chinese Dynasty. This meeting appartently takes place between two workers named “Hunter” and “Antelope.” Oddly enough instead of Hunter and Antelope discussing things merely amongst themselves there seems to be someone running this meeting named “Facilitator.” To this day we still don’t know who or what “Facilitator” is or really does.

We can only translate as small part of the papyrus, but read along and find out how the earliest form of Feng Shui worked so you can apply this relationship technique in your workplace, and remember, back in those days hunting was considered work.

Chinese Papyrus: Facilitator: “So Hunter, do you see how stabbing Antelope with a spear makes his workplace uncomfortable?”