I’m not sure if it’s legal to cut and paste from the CDC website, so please follow this link:

Thimerosal in Seasonal Influenza Vaccine

I must leave you, for now. The badgers are outside calling my name.

In the war between good and evil, Monkey Dragons take the side closest to the bananas….

When it comes to the powers of Chaos vs. those of Law and Order, your inner monkeydragon limps drunkenly toward Chaos….

As far as magical tendancies, a Monkey Dragon’s nature allows it to hurl enchanted feces at opponents and friends alike….

During combat situations, a true Monkey Dragon prefers to defeat opponents by the use of smells and other tactics….

The inquisitive monkeydragons live in the jungles and zoos of the remote islands. The Monkey Lands shelter many lairs, with plenty of free time for picking bugs off one another’s hairy wings. No matter their age, monkeydragons tend to be the most obnoxious and unruly of dragonkind, often mocking other dragons’ lack of hair. “Hey Baldie!” is a favorite jest of the Monkey Dragon.

They love the simple challenges of standing and sitting, and often force other species to act as living chairs. They are fascinated by sitting in all its forms, eagerly looking for just causes to rub their behinds into things with their armies of monkeydragons and demichairs.

Monkey hatchlings have white fur tinged with green (some sort of stain, most likely). Only a hint of brown glistens between overlapping plates. This color deepens as the dragon ages, slowly turning to a pain brown tone that overwhelms the reptilian plates as the centuries pass. Monkey Dragons have a deep and abiding love for miniature organs and those who provide them. They enjoy playing music in loud, painful groups. Dragon lords especially appreciate gifts of women named Jane Goodall, which they consider to be delicacies. Someday the Monkey Dragons hope to have a planet all their own.

This Dragon’s favorite elements are: Monkey, Bananas, and Leprosy.

1)
No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms, which have yet to be classified. And although these are mostly insects and bacteria, this may not exclude flying reindeer, which were only seen by Santa so far.

2)
There are around 2 billion children (people under 18) in this world. BUT Santa seems not to deliver to Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhists. This reduces his work to approx. 15 % of the total – 378 million children (according to census). On an average of 3.5 children per household, yields 91.8 million houses. We suppose that in every house lives at least one good child.

3)
If Santa Claus is travelling from East to West, he has a 31-hour-Christmas Day, conditioned by the several timezones (which seems to be logical). Therefore you have 822.6 visits per second. Consequently for every Christian household with good children Santa has 1/1000 second time for his work: park, jump out of his sleigh, come down the chimney, fill the socks, distribute the remaining presents under the Christmas Tree, [eat all the food left out for him], climb up the chimney again and fly to the next house. Assume that every of these 91.8 million stops around the world are [equidistant] (which of course, we know, is wrong, but for fundamental calculation we will accept this), so we get 1.3 km distance between households, an overall distance of 120.8 million km, not including the things which everyone of us has to do at least once in 31 hours [(use the toilet)], plus getting a meal, etc. This means, that Santa’s sleigh flies at 1040 km per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For comparision: the fastest manmade vehicle in the world, the Ulysses Space Probe, drives with a ridiculous speed of 43.8 km per second. An ordinary reindeer travels at speeds of upto 24 km per HOUR.

4)
The freight of the sleigh leads to another interesting effect. Assume that every child gets no more than a medium-sized Lego-Set (approx. 1 kg), then the sleigh has a weight of 378,000 tons, not including Santa, to everyone’s knowledge is an overweight man. An ordinary reindeer cannot carry more than 175 kg. Even if we assume, that a “flying reindeer” (according to top 1) can carry the ten-fold weight, not eight or maybe nine reindeer’s are used for the sleigh. 216,000 reindeer’s are used. This raises the weight – not included the sleigh itself – to 410,400 tons. Again to comparision: this is more than the fourfold weight of Queen Elisabeth [the ship].

5)
410,400 tons travelling at a speed of 1040 km/s produces a huge air opposition – thus the reindeer will burn up, like a space craft entering the earth’s atmosphere. The foremost pair of reindeer must absorb then 16.6 TRILLION Joules of energy. Every second. Otherwise: they will go up in flames practically instanteneously, the next pair of reindeer will be exposed to the air opposition, and a deafening bang will be produced. The whole team of reindeer will be vaporised within 5 thousandths of a second [(or within 5 stops)]. In the meantime Santa will be exposed to an accelaration, 17,500 times the speed of the earth’s revolution. A 120 kg heavy Santa Claus (which is ridiculously light after the description) would be nailed to the end of his sleigh – with a power of 20.6 million Newtons. So we are getting to the end:

IF Santa Claus finally managed to deliver the presents, today he must be DEAD!!!

It is with great sadness that I must report the existence of Kidskin shoes.

The sick individual who created these abominations surely feels no guilt. No, they are happy with their new million dollar house, their yacht, Hummer, Hammer pants and Hawaiian shirts while daily children die across the land to create footwear monstrosities. The ad says they are imported. I guess we can all sleep a little more soundly knowing that it’s not our children going into the contruction of some woman’s new pumps. But, can you really, knowing that out there in some far-off land children are sacrificing their very skin to bring a few pesos home to their sick parents?

If I get to sleep tonight, it will only be after crying myself unconscious.

“Modern look” my foot.

In hopes of bringing back some of the glory that was the old Monkey News and since I’m most like Graham Chapman, here’s a list of Top 10 Silly Styles that people should stop because they are too silly:

10. Your facial hair is longer than the hair on the top of your head
9. Your pants are dragging.
8. Your hat is on anyway but straight (barring while actively playing a sport)
7. You are wearing shorts with your socks pulled all the way up.
6. Your underwear is showing. ANY of it. (for those of you who still don’t get it, yes, that includes your bra)
5. Your eyeglasses are twice the size of current styles.
4. You wear skin-tight clothing and you are obese.
3. Your clothing is transparent or translucent.
2. You are wearing socks with your sandals.
1. You are wearing a necktie.

Thoughts on this Top 10?

So, as I see it, this was a church thing. A God thing, more specifically. Marriage was begun by God and should be run as such. In other words, it is an institution of God, created by God and should be run as He wants it run. It should not be trampled about and changed as oft as men’s hearts change. We should have one definition of “marriage” and it should be defined as God meant for it to be. Therefore, if you want to be “married”, you do it God’s way, or you find an alternative to marriage and make your own human laws for how that institution is governed.

It seems that throughout the history of man, he has not been content with what he presently has. He is always wants something more than he already has. Sometimes this can be good and creative, but sometimes this is bad. Like when it is applied to marriage.

As I mentioned, marriage started out as the union of one man and one woman. There really wasn’t a choice in that matter. However, I would so bold as to say that if God wanted Adam to marry an entire harem, He would have created one, though Adam would have been left without any ribs by the time he awoke.

Time went on and, as promised, man wasn’t satisfied with marriage the way it was. “One wife is certainly not enough,” he thought, “other rich people have hundreds of sheep and cattle and goats…I need hundreds of wives!” And there ended the one man/one women marriage.

Soon, having multiple wives is not enough. Man could marry as many women as he wanted. That weren’t related to him. He did not think this was good. He was pretty attracted to his sister. She was the fairest damsel in the kingdom; surely he could not allow her to marry any of the surrounding barbarians. She must be his! Another wall was broken down; another perversion of God’s institution. But man did not stop there.

Man decides he is limiting himself. He is only allowing himself to choose a spouse from approximately half of the human population! He can now have hundreds of wives. They can come from all corners of the globe. They can be perfect strangers, or his twin sister. But what about other men?

In the days of Sodom and Gomorrah homosexual perversion ran rampant. The human race did not limit their partners to people of the opposite sex. Men with men, women with women, all slapping God in the face (no more so than other sins, sure, but I’m not talking about any other sins right now). When God became sick of it though, he didn’t ask the mayors of those cities what they thought of the situation. He didn’t wait for the local congress to take a vote and see if they thought it was all right or not. Without permission from anyone, God destroyed the two cities. He’s like that. It’s the coolest. Today, people don’t look to that as a warning. They don’t care about the laws, God’s or man’s. They want to do it and, by golly, no one is going to stop them.

All that being said, here’s this monkey’s problem with gay marriage: pretty soon man will need a new frontier to explore. They’ve exhausted the human potential and will have to get creative to find another to marry. This is when monkeys start to worry.

The answer is that obviously you don’t want to mess with monkeys in any shape, form or denotation. Obviously the locals in your area are extremely wise, if it is in fact a local saying.

Something else your locals can learn from is the fact that the only “monkey” a monkey will carry on it’s back is another monkey. Qwert and all his friends advise you to say no to drugs!

(To see where that was “borrowed” from, go to Miriam-Webster’s Word for the Wise)