Category Archives: Monkey News

The one you trust to bring you relevent (if not up to date) news!

Squirrel Adventures

Hey, look at that squirrel! There’s a squirrel on the lawn, and he’s just sitting there. He’s not moving or anything. Maybe he’s dead. Squirrels don’t just sit on the lawn and not move. Oh, he moved his head. He’s … Continue reading

Posted in Squirrel Exhibit | 1 Comment

Spendthrift January

In January, we spent (paid out) more than we earned (broght in) to the tune of around $200. I guess that’s not too bad considering that a lot we paid out in January was for the presents we charged in … Continue reading

Posted in Business | 2 Comments

Making Your Million in 2007

For those of you looking to make your million dollars in 2007, I have a wonderful idea: more slip-on shoes. The number of overweight and obese people in America is certainly not going down so this should be a wonderful … Continue reading

Posted in Business | 7 Comments

This Just In…

Private eyes are watching you (they see your every move). . . . . . . . . . . . .

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GravyBoy Island

Though you access it via GravyBoat, GravyBoy Island is not a food-based theme park. The latest and greatest amusement park in America is actually based off a comic book. Much like the Superman and Hulk roller coasters, GravyBoy Island’s premier … Continue reading

Posted in Monkey News, Other Exhibits | 3 Comments

‘hog Pals

For the last three mornings when I’ve gone to work, the groundhog has been at the entrance to his den. He’s just there waking up, stretching, yawing, and waving “hi” as I go by. He’s a pretty friendly guy. Don’t … Continue reading

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All Baboon Aside

Here’s another monkey-theme post borrowed from Peter (author of the JLP) while I await the return of my creativity: Think about it, being attacked by 30 baboons. THIRTY! Would you punch them, or what? How do you properly fight off … Continue reading

Posted in Other Exhibits | 6 Comments

Like a Monkey Flinging Its Feces

I’m flinging you to another site for today’s monkey related humor. Apparently my creative bowels are currently evacuated. Feces fling to the JLP!

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What Kind of Dragon Are You?

I am a Monkey Dragon! In the war between good and evil, Monkey Dragons take the side closest to the bananas…. When it comes to the powers of Chaos vs. those of Law and Order, your inner monkeydragon limps drunkenly … Continue reading

Posted in Editorials | 1 Comment

Does Santa Exist?

(This was read in church today, so I came home and searched for it online. I found it at Santa Clause.) 1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms, which have yet … Continue reading

Posted in Editorials, Monkey News | 2 Comments

If I Could Talk to Squirrels

I would tell them that they don�t have to be such a spaz. I, of all people, know the joy of a good spaz now and then, however these squirrels are constantly jumpy. If I open my big garage door, … Continue reading

Posted in Squirrel Exhibit | 4 Comments

Qwert Scares Clerk!

Early one morning Qwert could not sleep. He was outside whittling, as is his normal practice to combat unwanted insomnia, when a neighboring beaver ambled by. The beaver, having to make a long commute to his forestry job, looked up … Continue reading

Posted in Monkey News | 3 Comments

Protect Your Children!

It has come to our attention that there are certain questionable practices going on in the shoe department. It should come as no surprise to anyone that the clothing industry has long been taking advantage of the poor to line … Continue reading

Posted in Editorials, Monkey News | 3 Comments

Monkeys Grow on Trees?

Maybe this is why that man shot his wife after mistaking her for a monkey…

Posted in Humor, Monkey News | 2 Comments

Ramon To Infiltrate British School!

Below is a picture of Ramon as he dresses up to go undercover in a British school. We are not at liberty to divulge the nature of the story, but be assured that as soon as Ramon provides us with … Continue reading

Posted in Monkey News | 7 Comments

Gorilla Ex Machina

I’m having a terrible time posting because when I write posts here at school, I don’t like them. The ones I write at home and bring in are better. The problem is that I don’t write at home. I have … Continue reading

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The Bar Has Been Set

For my birthday last November, the Doughtys adopted a monkey for me and presented it to me in grand celebration. His name is Ronnie and now my Triumverate is complete. I present to you Ramon, Ronnie and Brutus: Ramon is … Continue reading

Posted in Monkey News | 6 Comments

Blood-sucking Qwert Attacks Hundreds Of Kids

On November 15th, Monkey News reported the scathing accusations on Qwert’s alleged behavior in Patiala, India. At the end of the article we noted that Qwert was set to leave the proceedings in Patiala to his lawyer while continuing his … Continue reading

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Meet the Staff

Senior Editor–“Fingers” McGee.

Posted in Monkey News | 3 Comments

Qwert Yuppy Loose in India!

“Pesky, protected monkeys doing hard time in jail” BY KIM BARKER (Chicago Tribune): PATIALA, India – (KRT) – The thief threatened children with bricks and ripped the buttons off shirts. He stole tomatoes from one home and snatched bread from … Continue reading

Posted in Monkey News | 4 Comments