Russian squirrel pack ‘kills dog’

Squirrels have bitten to death a stray dog which was barking at them in a Russian park, local media report.

Passers-by were too late to stop the attack by the black squirrels in a village in the far east, which reportedly lasted about a minute.

They are said to have scampered off at the sight of humans, some carrying pieces of flesh.

A pine cone shortage may have led the squirrels to seek other food sources, although scientists are sceptical.

The attack was reported in parkland in the centre of Lazo, a village in the Maritime Territory, and was witnessed by three local people.

A “big” stray dog was nosing about the trees and barking at squirrels hiding in branches overhead when a number of them suddenly descended and attacked, reports say.

“They literally gutted the dog,” local journalist Anastasia Trubitsina told Komsomolskaya Pravda newspaper.

“When they saw the men, they scattered in different directions, taking pieces of their kill away with them.”

Mikhail Tiyunov, a scientist in the region, said it was the first he had ever heard of such an attack.

While squirrels without sources of protein might attack birds’ nests, he said, the idea of them chewing a dog to death was “absurd”.

“If it really happened, things must be pretty bad in our forests,” he added.

Komosmolskaya Pravda notes that in a previous incident this autumn chipmunks terrorised cats in a part of the territory.

A Lazo man who called himself only Mikhalich said there had been “no pine cones at all” in the local forests this year.

“The little beasts are agitated because they have nothing to eat,” he added.

© BBC MMVIII

While the systematic overthrow of the northern hemisphere by black squirrels continues unabated, the US media focuses solely on Joe the (wannabe) Plumber. Is the media on black squirrel payroll?

What they don’t tell you is that Obama’s health care plan has no provisions whatsoever for a black squirrel attack. As a matter of fact, if you were to seek treatment for such an attack while under an Obama health plan coverage, your insurance company would not take you seriously. This is exactly the kind of blind eye that we’ve come to expect from this candidate.

McCain-approved health care plans would, indeed, pay for the hospital bills associated with a squirrel attack, and also up to four years of related PTSD visits. McCain himself has received extensive martial training to protect himself and his family in the case of an attack. The fact is, John McCain is the only candidate certified to handle a Russian black squirrel attack physically, emotionally, and economically.

Unless you count Chuck Baldwin.

I type with my shades down today, as increasing numbers of squirrels canvas my house. In deliberate facade, they peek under fallen leaves for the acorns that will supposedly sustain them throughout the winter months ahead. I see, however, the subtle jerk of the head toward my dining room window. I see the beady little eyes assessing my defenses. With the number of squirrels running around in the back yard, it is impossible for me to watch them all at once. However, you can rest assured that multiple eyes are watching me.

They scan my fortifications, each squirrel assigned to a different aspect of the house. No individual squirrel knows the entire layout, until they meet back at the oak tree to compare notes. Soon, a complete rendering of the house is made, with all weaknesses highlighted.

As I dump shot into the barrel of my elephant gun, I know my duty lies to you, my dear readers, to warn you of this impending doom. For I see the subtle creatures not only in my back yard, but also in the yards of all those around me.

Lock your women and children safely in your bomb shelter, and may God have mercy on your soul.

This morning, the squirrel was on the ground foraging all the seeds that the birds drop. I sat under the tree the other day and watched the birds at the feeder. They pick up a seed and throw it on the ground, as if it doesn’t meet their quality standards. I didn’t know my feed was going to be inspected by #42. What I really think happens is that the seed slips out of the bird’s beak, but I could be wrong. Anyway, the squirrels have decided to eat of the crumbs that fall from the songbirds’ table.

There’s a lesson to be learned there, if you missed it the first time…when it was in the Bible!

I give you The Monkey Exhibit’s new security commander, shown here receiving the keys to the website. Dutifully, he will stuff it in his cheek, stored safely for future use.

The days of fear are behind us. The future is secure. God bless the Squirrel Soldier.

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Super Squirrel!

Be prepared to see him in the sidebar soon. He’s now one of the official mascots of The Monkey Exhibit. Ramon, you have company, and you better watch out because I think the squirrel can take you.

After about 30 years of maturing, adult female squirrels return to the ground to nest, usually on the same lawn upon which they were birthed. All squirrels generally employ the same methods when making a nest. A mature nesting female hauls herself onto the lawn until she finds suitable soil on which to create a nest. After the location is found, the female then starts filling the nest one by one until it has deposited around 150 to 200 young. The whole process takes around thirty minutes to a little over an hour. After the nest is laid, the female then returns to the trees.

When the young awaken, these baby squirrels open their near-blind eyes and seek the trees. Only a very small proportion of them (usually .001%) will be successful, as many predators (including crows and feral chipmunks) wait to eat the steady stream of new born squirrels.

Apparently I interrupted an important event, forcing mother squirrel to return to the trees, find a new place to birth, and plot some untimely mutilation to my person. (As a side note, what, really, would be a ‘timely’ mutilation to my person. Poor choice of words there, Rog.)

My research also dug up some other little know facts about squirrels. Indulge, along with me, this odd little obsession I have wandered into recently:

Squirrels belong to the order “Rodentia” which comprises forty percent of all present day mammal species, including filthy mobsters.

A baby squirrel weighs approximately one ounce at birth, and is about one inch long. They do not have hair or teeth, and are virtually blind for the first six to eight weeks.

Both male and female squirrels have beards, tails, and long black horns, 15-28 cm in length, which contain yearly growth rings. The squirrel’s feet are well-suited for climbing steep, rocky slopes, sometimes with pitches of 60 degrees or more, with inner pads that provide traction and cloven hooves that can spread apart as needed. This adaptation led to squirrels eventually overcrowding the Peruvian alpaca in its natural environment. To keep from becoming extinct, the alpaca moved to lowlands in order to become domesticated. Squirrels eventually moved to North America in search of a more challenging climate.

During winter storms, or severe cold, the squirrel may not leave the nest for days. But, the tree squirrel does not hibernate. Instead it throws morally indecent parties; also known as ‘raves’. An adult squirrel normally lives alone. But will, in severe cold, share its nest with other squirrels to conserve body heat. Once the temperature rises, the guests will be on their way.

Females can be very competitive and protective of their space and food sources. They will fight with one another in cage matches perpetrated outside of human territory. In these battles, squirrels will circle each other with their heads lowered, showing off their horns. These conflicts can occasionally lead to injury or even death, after which everyone else goes out for dessert.

Squirrels eyes are located high, and on each side of their head. This allows them a wide field of vision without turning their head, but makes for hours of frustration when buying spectacles.

In lower regions squirrels also use their fighting abilities to protect themselves and their offspring from predators, such as wolves, wolverines, cougars, lynx, and bears. Females must also defend their young from golden eagles. In the Stone Age, the prehistoric squirrel was known to slap around a wooly mammoth or two just for looking at it funny.

If a squirrel has taken up residence in your attic or crawl space, the only practical way to remove them is by trapping. A shotgun is more impractical, but a whole lot more fun.

When a squirrel senses danger, its first instinct is to stand motionless. If on the ground it will race to the closest tree, or other climbable object to escape. If it is in a tree, it will circle the trunk with its body pressed tightly to the bark. This is your last warning before it launches itself at you and smacks you around like a redheaded stepchild.

The squirrel’s erratic path while crossing a street is an attempt to confuse the oncoming vehicle… thereby causing it to change direction. This is obliviously the squirrels biggest, and often last mistake.

They say that some die never knowing what hit them. That is certainly true for Tinker. His favorite pastime was sitting by the side of the road until cars came and then darting out elusively to the gleeful sound of screeching tires. Tinker was an expert dodger/weaver and is rumored to have caused the accident that sent a truck into a tree, dislodging many acorns for his friends. He was just that kind of guy.

Tinker liked to eat, but, hey, that’s no surprise. We all like to eat. Plus, winter’s coming up and we all need to build a few more layers of warmth to survive the harsh climate. It is thought that Tinker may have been gorged and sluggish on the day he met his demise.

Tinker had the heart of a child…always prancing around the yard or taunting the locals by walking on their grass. Naturally, he liked to climb trees and build secret hideouts in the branches. We miss that heart today…and we curse the cruel crow that pecked it free and swallowed it upon the busy highway where Tinker took his last breath.

We see Tinker here today as we recognized him in life, clothed in gray with a big, bushy tail. No finer squirrel ever lived and no other squirrel will be more sorely missed.

There’s a squirrel on the lawn, and he’s just sitting there. He’s not moving or anything. Maybe he’s dead. Squirrels don’t just sit on the lawn and not move. Oh, he moved his head. He’s alive. What’s he doing there, just sitting there? He’s not even eating. Something’s wrong. Maybe he’s gorged himself on nuts and doesn’t even want to move. Do squirrels do that? I know people do! I’m going to open the back door.

Hey squirrel! Get off my lawn!

Look, he’s running away. He heard me. He’s off the lawn. I can’t believe he understood me! I bet he used to be human. He must have been transformed into a squirrel by a spell or something. He’s going to hate me for making him move after that big meal.

Look at him. He’s smart. I told him to get off the lawn and he ran over to the tree. Look. He’s on the lowest part of the tree just sitting there. He’s only about an inch off the lawn. Stupid squirrel. He’s taunting me. Since when did squirrels start taking you literally? Maybe his mom told him not to climb trees less than a half hour after eating.

I’m going outside.

Hey squirrel. Hey. Why are you scrambling to the other side of the tree? Don’t make me come over there. That’s it. I can see you now. Hey! You can still climb trees! How’s that belly feeling, you glutton? Don’t hid behind a tree limb. I can still see you! I’m coming under. Don’t poop on me!

What? What’s that, dear? Yes, I’ll help you load the car so we can go to your mother’s…

*sigh*

Last year I watched a squirrel for quite a while as it did nothing but climb a couple feet up a tree, launch itself off into the grass, roll around, dodge back and forth, and then start the whole process over again. That is spazzing out.

Silly squirrel; take a chill pill.

Why is it that small, furry creatures wait until a car is coming before they try to cross the road?

A squirrel, for instance, will sit by the side of the road happily chewing on an acorn until it sees a car coming. At that time it will lower the acorn, look at the car, look across the road, and when the car is close enough it will pounce out in leaps and bounds. Invariably, halfway across the road it will start to second-guess itself. It will then dart back and forth across the middle of the road until it either decides to go all the way across, or sprint back for it’s starting place, barely missing your front tire.

Stupid squirrels. That’s why monkeys are better.

We won’t talk about another animal favorite of mine…the frog…