[inside the SGB]

TENTIE ALISA and SWOONEY GIRLS:
[shoes, cothes, boyfriends, blah, blah, blah]

[The Rumor Forum @ [rocksmyfaceoff.net].

NEW MEMBER:
‘Morning!

BARTENDER KATIE:
‘Morning.

BARTENDER KATEY:
Oooh, new topics!

BARTENDER KATIE:
[Starts reply]

TREY:
Ha ha! Hiyya! [Deletes Katie’s account]

BARTENDER KATEY:
Hey!

TREY:
Hiyya!, Ha!, etc.[Deletes Katey’s account]

TENTIE ALISA and SWOONEY GIRLS:
[shoes, cothes, boyfriend, blah, blah, blah]

TREY:
Ha ha! Huy! [Deletes SGB completely]

FEMALE POSTERS:
Uuh! Aaah!

TREY:
Ha ha! And take this! Aah! Hiyah! Aah! Aaah! Hyy! Hya! Hiyya! Ha!… [Gets to Geof’s computer and wreaks havoc.]

[Searches and finds JDR in the webboard, guarded by Joshewah and *Daniel]

JOSHEWAH:
Now, you’re not allowed to enter the webboard– aaugh! [Trey deletes the account]

TREY:
O prolific poster, behold your humble servant, Sir Trey of the Rumor Forum. I have come to take y– Oh, I’m terribly sorry.

JDR:
You got my PM!

TREY:
Uh, well, I– I got a– a PM.

JDR:
You’ve come to rescue me!

TREY:
Uh, well, no. You see, I hadn’t—

JDR:
I knew someone would. I knew that somewhere out there…
…

TREY:
Well, I—

JDR:
…there must be… someone…

LORD JOSH:
[Just in from RMFO] Stop that! Stop that! Stop it! Stop it! Who are you?

JDR:
I’m your protégé!

LORD JOSH:
No, not you.

TREY:
Uh, I am Sir Trey, sir.

JDR:
He’s come to rescue me, LORD JOSH.

TREY:
Well, let’s not jump to conclusions.

LORD JOSH:
Did you delete all those bartenders?

TREY:
Uh… Oh, yes. Sorry.

LORD JOSH:
They’re paying members of that forum!

TREY:
Well, I’m awfully sorry. Um, I really can explain everything.

JDR:
Don’t be afraid of him, Sir Trey. We can start all over on the webboard.

LORD JOSH:
You deleted the SGB!

TREY:
Well, uh, you see, the thing is, I thought your protégé was a newbie and was hiding-

LORD JOSH:
I can understand that.

JDR:
Hurry, Sir Trey! Hurry!

LORD JOSH:
Shut up! You only horked the server for the entire weekend, that’s all!

TREY:
Well, I really didn’t mean to…

LORD JOSH:
Didn’t mean to?! You uploaded an old Linux kernel into Geof’s computer!

TREY:
Oh, dear. Is he all right?

LORD JOSH:
You even kicked your tentie in the chest! To fix RMFO will take forever!

TREY:
Well, I can explain. I was on the internet, um, surfing from the Rumor Forum, when I got this PM, you see—

LORD JOSH:
The Rumor Forum? Are you from, uh, Rumor Forum?

JDR:
Hurry, Sir Trey!

TREY:
Uh, I am a Charter Member, sir.

LORD JOSH:
Very nice site, The Rumor Forum. Uh, very good gossip area.

TREY:
Is it?

JDR:
Hurry! I’m ready!

LORD JOSH:
Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?

TREY:
Well, that– that’s, uh, awfully nice of you,…

JDR:
I am ready!

TREY:
…um, I mean to be so understanding.
[JOSH deletes JDR’s account]
Um,…

JDR:
[“The topic or board you are looking for appears to be either missing or off limits to you.”]

TREY:
…I’m afraid when I’m in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, uh, sort of carried away.

LORD JOSH:
Oh, don’t worry about that.

JDR:
[Error 404]

[SIR TREY logs on to the Man Board and cleans up the place and looking for the latest Gold Bond thread.]

SIR TREY:
Ha ha! Hiyya! [Deletes Hansel’s BEER thread]

THE THIRSTY VAMPIRE:
Hey!

SIR TREY:
Hiyya!, Ha!, etc. [Delete’s The Thirsty Vampire’s TATTOO thread.]

[HANSEL and THE THIRSTY VAMPIRE start complaining on the Random Board]

SIR TREY:
Ha ha! Huy! [Logs out of the MAN BOARD and starts deleting the Random Board threads.]

RANDOM BOARDERS:
Uuh! Aaah!

SIR TREY:
Ha ha! And take this! Aah! Hiyah! Aah! Aaah! Hyy! Hya! Hiyya! Ha!… [Logs back onto the Man Board and starts randomly deleting threads until he finds the latest Gold Bond thread.]

JOSHEWAH:
Now, you’re not allowed to call—[Sir Trey takes Joshewah off Man Board list.] aaugh!

SIR TREY:
[Finally finding JDR] O fair one, behold your humble servant, SIR TREY of The Rumor Forum. I have come rescue you from this filth– Oh, I’m terribly sorry.

PRINCE JDR:
You got my PM!

SIR TREY:
Uh, well, I– I got– a PM.

PRINCE JDR:
You’ve come to rescue me!

SIR TREY:
Uh, well, no. You see, I hadn’t—

PRINCE JDR:
I knew someone would. I knew that somewhere out there…
[JDR clicks ]

SIR TREY:
Well, I—

PRINCE JDR:
…there must be… someone…

LORD JOSH:
Stop that! Stop that! Stop it! Stop it! No New Topics! Who are you?

PRINCE JDR:
I’m your protégé!

LORD JOSH:
No, not you.

SIR TREY:
Uh, I am SIR TREY, sir.

PRINCE JDR:
He’s come to rescue me, LORD JOSH.

SIR TREY:
Well, let’s not jump to conclusions.

LORD JOSH:
Did you delete all those topics?

SIR TREY:
Uh… Oh, yes. Sorry.

LORD JOSH:
They were very hot topics!

SIR TREY:
Well, I’m awfully sorry. Um, I really can explain everything.

PRINCE JDR:
Don’t be afraid of him, SIR TREY. I’ve got a New Topic all ready to post.

LORD JOSH:
You deleted eight WOMAN PROBLEMS threads!

SIR TREY:
Well, uh, you see, the thing is, I thought JDR was a girl.

LORD JOSH:
I can understand that.

PRINCE JDR:
Hurry, SIR TREY! Hurry!

LORD JOSH:
Shut up! You axed only the least offending threads on the whole board, that’s all!

SIR TREY:
Well, I really didn’t mean to…

LORD JOSH:
Didn’t mean to?! You laughed in glee as you did it!

SIR TREY:
Oh, dear. Will the board be alright?

LORD JOSH:
You even sabotaged the board we are merging with! This is going to take me forever to mop up!

SIR TREY:
Well, I can explain. I was on the internet, um, browsing forth from The Rumor Forum, when I got this PM, you see—

LORD JOSH:
The Rumor Forum? Are you from, uh, The Rumor Forum?

PRINCE JDR:
Hurry, SIR TREY!

SIR TREY:
Uh, I am a Bartender of TYRANT GEOF, sir.

LORD JOSH:
Very nice site, The Rumor Forum. Uh, very good waffle country.

SIR TREY:
Is it?

PRINCE JDR:
Hurry! I’m ready!

LORD JOSH:
Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?

SIR TREY:
Well, that– that’s, uh, awfully nice of you,…

PRINCE JDR:
I am ready!

SIR TREY:
…um, I mean to be so understanding.
[JOSH unsubscribes JDR from the MAN BOARD]
Um,…
[woosh]

PRINCE JDR:
Oooh!

SIR TREY:
…I’m afraid when I’m in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, uh, sort of carried away.

LORD JOSH:
Oh, don’t worry about that.

PRINCE JDR:
Oooh!
[splat]

SIR TREY:
Well taken, WINDSOR!

WINDSOR:
Thank you, Bohunkus Nashvillius! Most kind.

SIR TREY:
And again! There you are! Good. Steady! And now, the big pinch! Uuh! Come on, WINDSOR!
[Alisa walks on with a missive for Sir Trey]

WINDSOR:
PM for you, Trey.
[Pinches Alisa on her way out, who knocks him flat on his back in retaliation. Sir Trey has been looking forward the entire time and hasn’t seen a thing.]

SIR TREY:
Oh, I never answer those.
[Keeps walking. Stops. Turns around to look for WINDSOR.]
WINDSOR! WINDSOR! Speak to me!

[Reads.] ‘To whoever finds this note: I have been imprisoned by my mentor, who wishes me to merge against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the latest Gold Bond thread of the Man Board.’

At last! A call! A cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Hymnal! Brave, brave WINDSOR, you shall not have died in vain!

WINDSOR:
[dazed] Uh, I’m– I’m not quite dead, sir.

SIR TREY:
Well, you shall not have been…mortally bruised in vain!

WINDSOR:
I– I– I think I c– I could pull through.

SIR TREY:
Oh, I see.

WINDSOR:
Actually, I think I’m all right to come with you, can you give me a hand up—

SIR TREY:
No, no, sweet WINDSOR! Stay here! I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular…
[sigh]

WINDSOR:
Idiom, sir?

SIR TREY:
Idiom!

WINDSOR:
No, I feel fine, actually.

SIR TREY:
Farewell, sweet WINDSOR!

WINDSOR:
I’ll, um– I’ll just stay here, then. Shall I? Yeah. That guy eats too much sugar.

ACOUSTIC JOE:
The Tale of Sir Trey.

LORD JOSH BOBBIT:
One day, lad, all this will be yours!

PRINCE JDR:
What, the monitor?

LORD JOSH:
No. Not the monitor, lad. All the threads you can see, stretched out over the Man Board of this Forum! This’ll be your kingdom, lad.

JDR:
But Scott—

LORD JOSH:
LORD JOSH, lad. LORD JOSH.

JDR:
B– b– but LORD JOSH, I don’t want any of that.

LORD JOSH:
Listen, lad. I built this Man Board up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was the Rumor Forum. Other bartenders said I was daft to build a Man Board off the Rumor Forum, but I built it all the same, just to show ‘em. It sank into depravity. So, I built a second one. That sank into depravity. So, I built a third one. That caused horrendous controversy, alienated tons of men, then sank into depravity, but the fourth one… it’ll stay up! And that’s what you’re gonna get, lad: the most edifying Man Board in these Forums.

JDR:
But I don’t want any of that. I’d rather—

LORD JOSH:
Rather what?!

JDR:
I’d rather…
[JDR clicks ]
…just… be Random!

LORD JOSH:
Stop that! Stop that! You’re not going Random while I’m here. Now listen, lad. In twenty minutes, you’re threads are being merged with a girl’s whose father owns the most edifying server in Britain.

JDR:
B– but I don’t want a more edifying server.

LORD JOSH:
Listen, Ricky,–

JDR:
JDR.

LORD JOSH:
‘JDR. We post in the Man Board. We need all edification we can get.

JDR:
But– but I don’t like her.

LORD JOSH:
Don’t like her?! What’s wrong with her?! She’s beautiful. She’s rich. She’s got huge… lawnchairs!

JDR:

I know, but I want the– the girl that I marry to have…
[JDR clicks ]
…a certain,… special… personality!

LORD JOSH:
Cut that out! Cut that out! Look, you’re like a big bear, man, and she’s just like this little bunny, who’s just kinda cowering in the corner.
[smack]
Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn’t leave this Man Board until I come and get him.

GUARD JOSHEWAH:
Not to leave the Man Board even if he’s money.

GUARD *DANIEL:
Hic!

LORD JOSH:
And I won’t call on him even if I want to come get him.

JOSHEWAH :
Okay, so what if you don’t want to come get him?

LORD JOSH:
I won’t call

JOSHEWAH :
But you said you won’t call if you wanted to come get him.

*DANIEL:
Hic!

LORD JOSH:
Right

JOSHEWAH :
So you don’t call either way?

LORD JOSH:
Right

JOSHEWAH :
So what’s the difference?

LORD JOSH:
There is no difference right now. See, Guard, the only difference between giving in and not giving in is if I come get him while he wants to come down. But I can’t do anything to make him want to come. In fact, I can only do stuff to make him not want to come down.

*DANIEL:
Hic!

JOSHEWAH :
So the only difference is if you forget about him or just pretend to forget about him?

LORD JOSH:
Right

JOSHEWAH :
Well, that sucks.

LORD JOSH:
Yeah, it sucks.

JOSHEWAH :
So it’s just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean you could, like, forget about him and then when he wants to come down make like you just pretended to forget about him?

*DANIEL:
Hic!

LORD JOSH:
Right. Although probably more likely the opposite.

JOSHEWAH :
What do you mean?

LORD JOSH:
I mean, at first I’m going to pretend to forget about him, I won’t call on him, I don’t know, whatever…but then eventually, I really will forget about him.

JOSHEWAH :
What if he wants to come down first?

LORD JOSH:
Mmmm…see, that’s the thing, is somehow they know not to come down until you really forget.

JOSHEWAH :
There’s the rub

*DANIEL:
Hic!

LORD JOSH:
There’s the rub

JDR:
But LORD JOSH!

LORD JOSH:
Shut your noise, you! And get that cowboy hat on!
[JDR clicks ]
And no Random posts!

*DANIEL:
Hic!

LORD JOSH:
Oh, come to Critical Critic and get a Nalgene bottle of Poland Springs.
[clank]
[scribble scribble scribble fold fold]
[twong]

My first step was to practice. It has been a long time since I have even tried to get my guitar back in tune, let alone play a single chord.

After adequately tuning my guitar (with the help of this, of course ), I was ready to write a song. Andrew “Toesenga” is not the only one who can come up with hit lyrics in the wee hours in the morning so I’d like to share what I wrote with you here:

Livin’ With No Air’
(To the tune of “Living on a Prayer”)

AC used to work ‘round the clock
Unit blew a part
Their down on their luck, it’s tough
So tough

Temperature hit 90 today
Overworked their fan
It’s seen better days
My love…ooo, my love

She says: We’ve got to cool down while it’s so hot
It doesn’t make a difference if we charge it or not.
We need our AC, the old one’s shot, my love -
A 1000 watt!

Ooooo, Take a look at my hair,
Oh-oh, livin’ with no air
It’s getting fuzzy,
I won’t make it, I swear
Oh-oh, livin’ with no air

Mike, he had to take off his socks.
Now he’s walking barefoot
And he just stepped on a rock
It’s tough…so tough

Kari dreams of AC by day
When she cries in the heat
Mike whispers: Baby it’s okay
It’s okay

He says: We’ve got to cool down while it’s so hot
It doesn’t make a difference if we charge it or not.
We need our AC, the old one’s shot, my love -
A 1000 watt!

Ooooo, Take a look at your hair,
Oh-oh, livin’ with no air
It’s getting fuzzy,
It won’t make it, I swear
Oh-oh, livin’ with no air

You live for the air when it’s so flippin’ hot.

Ooooo, Take a look at her hair,
Oh-oh, livin’ with no air
It’s getting fuzzy,
It won’t make it, I swear
Oh-oh, livin’ with no air

Living with no aiiiiiir…

After the song was written I was ready to head out and begin my road to philanthropy.

I figured I would start on a street corner of our sister city, Bangor.

When I arrived and began playing, people almost immediately began throwing money at me. Without fail they would also say something like “Here. Leave!” or “That’s awful! Take this and go!” But I knew I was busking for a good cause so I continued my song.

After a while, even small coins begin to bruise skin so I was forced to pack up and leave. I conscientiously gathered all the change that was flung my way so I can mail it to the Baumanns in a cute little bank I found.

I imagine everyone will be pleasantly surprised at my generosity.

[spooky music; something that would make The Vampire cower. If the music were a painting, it would be Edvard Munch's The Scream.]
[music stops]

BEST KNIGHT EVER:
Coolest… forest… ever!

KNIGHTS SUPERLATIVE:
Coolest! Coolest! Coolest! Coolest! Coolest!

GEOF:
Who are you?

BEST KNIGHT EVER:
We are the Knights Superlative!

RANDOM KNIGHT:
Best ever!

GEOF:
No! Not the Knights Superlative!

BEST KNIGHT EVER:
The same!

SIR HOLLAND:
Who are they?

BEST KNIGHT EVER:
We are the keepers of the sacred words: ‘Best’, ‘Coolest’, and ‘Most!

RANDOM KNIGHT:
Ever!

GEOF:
Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale.

BEST KNIGHT EVER:
The Knights Superlative demand a sacrifice.

GEOF:
KNIGHTS SUPERLATIVE, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchantress who lives beyond these woods.

BEST KNIGHT EVER:
Coolest forest ever!

KNIGHTS SUPERLATIVE:
Coolest! Best! Most trees! Greenest!…

GEOF:
Ow! Ow! Ow! Agh!

BEST KNIGHT EVER:
We shall say every superlative to you if you do not appease us.

GEOF:
Well, what is it you want?

BEST KNIGHT EVER:
We want… a shrubbery! (Roger: can’t improve on that)
[dramatic chord]

GEOF:
A what?

KNIGHTS SUPERLATIVE:
Hottest! Silliest! Most delicious!

GEOF and PARTY:
Ow! Oh!

GEOF:
Please! Please! No more! We will find you a shrubbery.

BEST KNIGHT EVER:
You must return here with a shrubbery, or else, you will never pass through this wood… alive.

GEOF:
O KNIGHTS SUPERLATIVE, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery.

BEST KNIGHT EVER:
The nicest one ever.

GEOF:
Of course.

BEST KNIGHT EVER:
And not too expensive.

GEOF:
…That doesn’t fit…

BEST KNIGHT EVER:
Now… go!

WAYNE:
Heh, haw ha ha haw haw! Haw haw haw ha ha ha…

GEOF:
And this enchantress of whom you speak (nice use of ‘whom’, eh?), she has seen the Hymnal?

WAYNE:
…Ha ha ha ha! Heh, haw ha ha haw! (The pain meds make everything funny…) Ha haw ha! Ha ha ha ha…

GEOF:
Where does she live?

WAYNE:
…Heh heh heh heh…

GEOF:
WAYNE, where does she live?

WAYNE:
…Haw ha ha ha. She knows of a Forum, a Forum which no man has entered.

GEOF:
And the Hymnal. The Hymnal is there?

WAYNE:
There is much danger, for beyond the Forum lies the Ladders of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever jumped.

GEOF:
But the Hymnal! Where is the Hymnal?!

WAYNE:
Seek you the Bungee Baptism Bridge!

GEOF:
The Bungee Baptism Bridge, which leads to the Hymnal?

WAYNE:
Heh, haw haw haw haw! Ha ha ha ha ha! Haw ha ha…

ACOUSTIC JOE:
Sir Trey had saved Sir Underscore from almost certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Hymnal. Meanwhile, Tyrant Geof and Sir Holland (who, you’ll remember, Sir Trey thinks bigger than 30% geek), not more than a couple of websites away, had discovered something. Oh, that’s a WordPress website, obviously. I mean, they were more than two XML sites away– four, really, if they had a slow network. I mean, if the two were on dial-ups—

READERSHIP:
Get on with it!

ACOUSTIC JOE:
Oh, anyway. On to scene twenty-four, which is a horrible parody with some poor rewriting, in which Geof discovers a vital clue, and in which there aren’t any outside websites, although I think you can see a hyperlink– oooh!

[trumpets]
ACOUSTIC JOE:
The Tale of SIR UNDERSCORE STEVE.
[boom] [wind] [howl] [howl] [boom]
[DeShazo singing]
[howl] [boom] [howl] [boom]
[pound pound pound]

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Unlock the post! Unlock the post!
[pound pound pound]
In the name of Tyrant Geof, unlock the post!
[creak]
[thump]
[creak]
[boom]

GIRLS:
Hello!

*TAMI*:
Welcome, gentle Sir Knight. Welcome to The John Larroquette Project.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
The John Larroquette Project?

*TAMI*:
Yes. Oh, it’s not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every, every need!

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
You are the keepers of the Holy Hymnal?

*TAMI*:
The what?

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
The Hymnal. It is here.

*TAMI*:
Oh, but you are tired and you must rest awhile. Morgan! Christiana!

MORGAN and CHRISTIANA:
Yes, O *tami*?

*TAMI*:
Prepare a bed for our guest.

MORGAN and CHRISTIANA:
Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!…

*TAMI*:
Away! Away, varletesses. The beds here are warm and soft and very full of ham.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Well, look, I– I, uh—

*TAMI*:
What is your name, handsome knight?

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
‘SIR UNDERSCORE STEVE… the Chaste’.

*TAMI*:
Mine is ‘*tami*’. Just ‘*tami*’. Oh, but come.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Look, please! In Cliff Young’s name, show me the Hymnal!

*TAMI*:
Oh, you have suffered much. You are delirious.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
No, look. I have seen it! It was like staring at the sun! It is here in this—

*TAMI*:
SIR UNDERSCORE STEVE! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Well, I– I, uh—

*TAMI*:
Oh, I am afraid our Project must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunette commenters, all between sixteen and nineteen- and- a- half, cut off in this blog with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life: posting, speaking of dressing, undressing, dead cats, and making exciting underwear references. We are just not used to handsome knights. Nay. Nay. Come. Come. You may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
No, no. It’s– it’s nothing.

*TAMI*:
Oh, you must see the “doctors” immediately! No, no, please! Lie down.
[clap clap]

SUZ:
Well, what seems to be the trouble?

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
They’re doctors?!

*TAMI*:
Uh, they… have a basic medical training, yes.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
B– but—

*TAMI*:
Oh, come. Come. You must try to rest. Doctor Suz! Doctor Michaela Quinn! Practice your art.

DR MICHAELA QUINN:
Try to relax.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Are you sure that’s absolutely necessary?

SUZ:
We must examine you.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
There’s nothing wrong with that!

SUZ:
Please. We are doctors.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Look! This cannot be. I am sworn to chastity.

SUZ:
Back to your ham! At once!

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Torment me no longer. I have seen the Hymnal!

SUZ:
There’s no hymnal here.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
I have seen it! I have seen it!
[clank]
I have seen—

GIRLS:
Hello.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Oh.

GIRLS:
Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
*tami*!

LAUREN:
No, I am *tami*’s identical twin sister, LAUREN.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Oh, well, excuse me, I—

LAUREN:
Where are you going?

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
I seek the Hymnal! I have seen it, here in this blog!

LAUREN:
Oh, no. Oh, no! Bad, bad *tami*!

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Well, what is it?

LAUREN:
Oh, wicked, bad, naughty *tami*! She has been setting alight to our bright-as-the-sun beacon, which, I have just remembered, is hymnal-shaped. It’s not the first time we’ve had this problem.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
It’s not the real Hymnal?

LAUREN:
Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil *tami*! She is a bad person and must pay the penalty! Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when Roger was re-writing it, but now, we’re glad. It’s better than some of the previous scenes, I think.

MARK S. HEAD OF THE TRINITY:
At least ours was better visually.

JEFF DIAZ:
Well, at least ours was committed. It wasn’t just a string of cake jokes.

JOSH REILLY:
Get on with it.

MIC THE ENCHANTRESS:
Yes, get on with it!

ARMY OF POSTERS:
Yes, get on with it!

LAUREN:
Oh, I am enjoying this scene.

CLIFF YOUNG:
Get on with it!

LAUREN:
[sigh]
[clunk]
Oh, wicked, wicked *tami*. Oh, she is a naughty person and she must pay the penalty, and here in The John Larroquette Project, we have but one punishment for setting alight the hymnal-shaped, sun-bright beacon: you must shoot the sun-beacon, tie *tami* down on a ham-bed, spank her with an antler and make her sleep without a fan.

GIRLS:
A spanking! A spanking!

LAUREN:
You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like, and then, spank me.

CHRISSY:
And spank me.

RHONDA:
And me.

XTREME:
And me.

LAUREN:
Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!

GIRLS:
A spanking! A spanking! There is going to be a spanking tonight!

LAUREN:
And after the spanking, we must all have cake.

GIRLS:
The cake! The cake!

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Well, I could stay a bit longer.

TREY:
SIR UNDERSCORE STEVE!

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Oh, hello.

TREY:
Quick!

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
What?

TREY:
Quick!

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Why?

TREY:
You are in great peril!

LAUREN:
No, he isn’t.

TREY:
Silence, foul temptress!

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
You know, she’s got a point.

TREY:
Come on! We will cover your escape!

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Look, I’m fine!

TREY:
Come on!

GIRLS:
SIR UNDERSCORE STEVE!

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!

LAUREN:
Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!

GIRLS:
Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!

TREY:
No, SIR UNDERSCORE STEVE. Come on!

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
No! Really! Honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily.

LAUREN:
Oh, yes. Let him handle us easily.

GIRLS:
Yes. Let him handle us easily.

TREY:
No. Quick! Quick!

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Please! I can defeat them! There’s only a hundred-and-fifty of them!

LAUREN:
Yes! Yes, he will beat us easily! We haven’t a chance.

GIRLS:
We haven’t a chance. He will beat us easily…
[boom] .

LAUREN:
Oh, crap.

TREY:
We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
I don’t think I was.

TREY:
Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.

TREY:
No, it’s too perilous.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Look, it’s my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.

TREY:
No, we’ve got to find the Holy Hymnal. Come on!

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?

TREY:
No. It’s unhealthy.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
I bet you’re gay.

TREY:
No, I’m not.