The Monkey Exhibit

Folks, I’m sorry to say this, but I won’t be going out for Halloween this year.
I fear I must now apologize to all the elderly people I have frightened. At first it seemed like a harmless prank, donning a 30 pound gorilla suit and roaming through the neighborhood, searching for the elderly or faint-of-heart. [...]

Halloween is approaching and, while I should be shunning anything to do with the pagan holiday*, my mind instead turns to ruminate upon zombies.
Zombies are dim-witted and sluggish, yet tenacious in their singular endeavor: to devour your brain.
Why?
Why the all-encompassing desire to eat? Are these creatures truly hungry? If you [...]

This morning I was handed my second exam back. The grade on the upper right was an 86. I said I was hopeful for a B, but this was great. The teacher said that the grades ranged from high 80s to low 50s and that he would scale it so the high [...]

The original lyrics: Toad the Wet Sprocket’s “Hobbit on the Rocks“.
Admittedly, that was the silliest song that Toad ever recorded. Since I like my song to have meaning, I decided to take their song and make my own lyrics. I started out trying to use words that rhymed with their words, but ditched [...]

…and each other. Ditto for the men. This week at UMaine is Coming Out Week. I wish I could file this under Monkey News and thereby let it be known that this is just a joke, however it is not. Advertisements are written all over the sidewalks in chalk (that’s how [...]

The first exam I had this semester was in Animal Breeding. To anyone who thinks this may sound cool, let me burst your bubble: It is all statistics (meaning numbers and lots of formulas involving Greek letters).
I earned an 89 on that test. Not good enough for Mike’s exclusive A’s club.
Now onto [...]

You feed rabbit food to rabbits, and dog food to dogs. You feed cat food to cats, therefore you would think you would feed cheese food to cheese.
Someone dropped the ball on the whole naming process here.

Yes, I said it.
Why is it that small, furry creatures wait until a car is coming before they try to cross the road?
A squirrel, for instance, will sit by the side of the road happily chewing on an acorn until it sees a car coming. At that time it will lower the acorn, look [...]

My wife recently ended a job in a workplace she really needed to get out of for multiple reasons. It was a sad experience for her; she had invested a lot of work, time and emotion. This poem is for her.
Gone
One the wall is a square
Where a picture once hung
The paint all around [...]

This man shot his wife after mistaking her for a monkey!!!
It’s funny, but I think I can relate. It’s hard to count just how many times I’ve walked out into my back yard and had to ask myself “Is that my wife swinging through the trees, or just another monkey?” Many-a-time [...]

(I had some fancy, maybe even touching things to say to introduce this post, but I lost them somehow not once, but TWICE as I typed them up on different days. Now I want to make it short and sweet.)
The Rumor Forum is a community I became a part of to talk about my [...]

So, Roger, four days without a post…what have you been up to?
Good question. My first response would be “nothing”. The University of Maine just had fall break on Monday and Tuesday and I would say I accomplished not a single thing. This might not be entirely true, however.
Saturday: Lazy [...]

Is this the end of an era? Maker of Twinkies goes bankrupt!
Where will the world be if we can’t all enjoy Twinkie goodness any time we desire?

I wrote this last night for my wife. It was inspired by the card I bought her. Today is our Fourth Anniversary. That seems like a long time for a young married couple.
This is the first and last draft. No matter what it might have been had I refined it a [...]

Possible Category: My Diary

Seems it is time for me to lay off the humor attempts and turn my writing to something more…substantial. The lame humor attempts will return, though, since my goal is to entertain.
Practice makes perfect, right?

Possible Category: Conspiracies: Hackeysack

How are you?
That was probably a stupid question; you are perfect.
Anyway, I just wanted to say Hi. There are so many things I could ask of you, not all of them even selfish. Instead, though, I just wanted to let you know that I’ve been thinking of you. That makes [...]

Get Fuzzy is definitely the best new comic strip out there. Bucky, however, has seen fit to make himself the enemy of monkeys everywhere, and therefore the enemy of this site’s mascot, Qwert Yuppy himself.
May the best mammal win.

After slight reconnaissance of the Union’s entrances and egresses, I believe I have found a way to circumnavigate the Hackeysack Conspiracy. As hoped for by all, this should be the last you hear of it. May this period in my life rest in peace.