Is it just me, or is it extremely difficult to relinquish control of your life?
I like to plan. I like to order. I like to list. I like to be able to set down a plan (it’s best if it is on paper so I don’t forget it) and be able to follow it through to a desired conclusion. This is the type of life I am comfortable with, but it hinges directly on my ability to plan and my ability to control and choose my own future. This is where my struggle comes in. There are several areas of my life that I have been trying to figure out and trying to control on my own.
I realize I need to, and have many times attempted to, give them to God. It seems I no sooner make a fresh commitment to give an area of my life into God’s control than I get impatient waiting for God to answer. I start out with a childlike faith, but quickly also assume a childlike desire for instant gratification of my request. The lack of control as to how my request is granted (how soon, how much, how specifically…) seems too much for this flesh to bear. My commitment to wait on God soon falls to the wayside, then I either take responsibility onto myself (and often mess things up) or I have start over on my commitment to give control to God.
I feel that if I am sitting back, waiting on God to answer my prayer, then I am not doing my part. I feel like I am doing nothing. If someone asks what I am doing, my answer “waiting on God” seems like it is taken by them as “doing nothing.”
And, of course, all the while I have to try to keep my will in check. That is probably the crux of the entire problem.
Thanks for “listening to” (in reality, reading) my ramblings. I feel bad asking for prayer from others when I don’t put in my share of prayer for my own life, but every prayer helps. As the Sage would remind us, we should be “bearing the load…of fellow Christians.”