(Adapted from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Bloody Peasant! Scene. Names and actions courtesy of event that occur at the Rumor Forum’s Random (Message) Board.)
[TYRANT GEOF music]
[thud thud thud]
[TYRANT GEOF music stops]
GEOF: Old woman!
JEFF DIAZ: Man!
GEOF: Man. Sorry. What Bartender lives in that castle over there?
JEFF DIAZ: I’m twenty-seven.
GEOF: I– what?
JEFF DIAZ: I’m twenty-seven. I’m not old.
GEOF: Well, I can’t just call you ‘Man’.
JEFF DIAZ: Well, you could say ‘JEFF DIAZ’.
GEOF: Well, I didn’t know you were called ‘JEFF DIAZ’.
JEFF DIAZ: Well, you didn’t bother to find out, did you?
GEOF: I did say ‘sorry’ about the ‘old woman’, but from the behind you looked—
JEFF DIAZ: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!
GEOF: Well, I am Tyrant!
JEFF DIAZ: Oh, Tyrant, eh, very nice. And how d’you get that, eh? By exploiting the posters! By ‘anging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and Post Total differences in our society. If there’s ever going to be any progress with the—
HEATHER: JEFF DIAZ, there’s some lovely filth down here. Oh! How d’you do?
GEOF: How do you do, good lady? I am GEOF, Tyrant of the Boards. Who’s castle is that?
HEATHER: Tyrant of the who?
GEOF: The Boards.
HEATHER: Who are the Boards?
GEOF: Well, we all are. We are all the Boards, and I am your Tyrant.
HEATHER: I didn’t know we had a Tyrant. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
JEFF DIAZ: You’re fooling yourself. We’re living in a dictatorship: a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the posting classes—
HEATHER: Oh, there you go bringing class into it again.
JEFF DIAZ: That’s what it’s all about. If only people would hear of—
GEOF: Please! Please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?
HEATHER: No one lives there.
GEOF: Then who is your Bartender?
HEATHER: We don’t have a Bartender.
JEFF DIAZ: I told you. We’re an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week,…
JEFF DIAZ: …but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly argument on AYOR…
GEOF: Yes, I see.
JEFF DIAZ: …by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,…
GEOF: Be quiet!
JEFF DIAZ: …but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major—
GEOF: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
HEATHER: Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh.
GEOF: I am your Tyrant!
HEATHER: Well, I didn’t vote for you.
GEOF: You don’t vote for Tyrants.
HEATHER: Well, how did you become Tyrant, then?
GEOF: Bryan of Caedmon’s Call dot net,…
[Mark DeShazo sings]
…his arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Root Access from the bosom of the internet signifying by Divine Providence that I, GEOF, was to carry Root.
That is why I am your Tyrant!
JEFF DIAZ: Listen. Strange engineers playing on computers distributing Root Access is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical online ceremony.
GEOF: Be quiet!
JEFF DIAZ: Well, but you can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just ’cause some computer geek threw Access at you!
GEOF: Shut up!
JEFF DIAZ: I mean, if I went ’round saying I was an Bohunki just because some mathematical bint had lobbed binary code at me, they’d put me away!
GEOF: Shut up, will you? Shut up!
JEFF DIAZ: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the Forum.
GEOF: Shut up! [whacks Jeff Diaz with Troutslap smiley]
JEFF DIAZ: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the Forum! Help! Help! I’m being repressed!
GEOF: Bloody peasant!
JEFF DIAZ: Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That’s what I’m on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn’t you?