Scene 22: Inside the Cave

(Adapted from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Names and actions courtesy of event that occur at the Rumor Forum.)

This scene was requested by Geof.

TYRANT GEOF:
There! Look!

SIR TREY:
What does it say?

SIR RUMORSAGE:
What language is that?

TYRANT GEOF:
BROTHER KIRK! You are a scholar.

BROTHER KIRK:
It’s Arminian!

SIR RUMORSAGE:
Of course! John Wesley of Arminianism!

SIR TREY:
‘Course!

TYRANT GEOF:
What does it say?

BROTHER KIRK:
It reads, ‘Here may be found the last words of John Wesley. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may choose to find the Holy Amendment in the Thread of aaaaaagggh’.

TYRANT GEOF:
What?

BROTHER KIRK:
‘…The Thread of aaaaaagggh’.

SIR HOLLAND:
What is that?

BROTHER KIRK:
He must have been struck dead while carving it.

SIR TREY:
Oh, come on!

BROTHER KIRK:
Well, that’s what it says. It is irrefutable!

TYRANT GEOF:
Look, if he was dying, he wouldn’t bother to carve ‘aaaaaggh’. He’d just say it!

BROTHER KIRK:
Well, that’s what’s carved in the rock! To suggest anything else would be heresy!

SIR RUMORSAGE:
Perhaps he was dictating.

TYRANT GEOF:
Oh, shut up. Well, does it say anything else?

BROTHER KIRK:
No. Just ‘aaaaaagggh’.

SIR TREY:
Aaaauugggh.

TYRANT GEOF:
Aaaaaggh.

SIR HOLLAND:
Do you suppose he meant the Californiaaaaaaaa thread?

SIR RUMORSAGE:
Where’s that?

SIR HOLLAND:
Meetings Board, I think.

SIR TREY:
Isn’t there a ‘Saint and Sinnaaaaaaaa’ on Derek’s ‘House CD’?

TYRANT GEOF:
No, that’s ‘She Must and Shall Go Free’.

SIR TREY:
Oh, yes. Go Freeeeeeeeee.

BARTENDERS:
Freeeeeeeeee!

SIR HOLLAND:
Oooohoohohooo!

SIR TREY:
No, no. ‘Aaaauugggh’, at the back of the throat. Aaauugh.

SIR HOLLAND:
N– no. No, no, no, no. ‘Oooooooh’, in surprise and alarm.

SIR TREY:
Oh, you mean sort of a ‘aaaah’!

SIR HOLLAND:
Yes, but I– aaaaaah!

TYRANT GEOF:
Oooh!

SIR RUMORSAGE:
My God!
[dramatic chord]
[roar]

BROTHER KIRK:
It’s the legendary Roger the Cave Bear of Aaauugh!
Roger the Bear
[Roger the Cave Bear of Aaauugh eats BROTHER KIRK]

SIR HOLLAND:
That’s it! That’s it!

TYRANT GEOF:
Run away!

BARTENDERS:
Run away!
[roar]
Run away! Run awaaay! Run awaaaaay!
[roar]
Keep running!
[boom]
[roar]
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!…

SIR HOLLAND:
We’ve lost him.
[roar]

BARTENDERS:
Aagh!

ACOUSTIC JOE (NARRATOR):
As the horrendous Roger the Cave Bear lunged forward, escape for TYRANT GEOF and his BARTENDERS seemed hopeless, when suddenly, the animator, Brian Shearer suffered a fatal heart attack.

BRIAN SHEARER:
Ulk!
[thump]

ACOUSTIC JOE (NARRATOR):
The cartoon peril was no more. The quest for Holy Amendment could continue

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4 Responses to Scene 22: Inside the Cave

  1. Pingback: The Indiana Jones School of Management

  2. the Sage says:

    Sir Sage has finally taken his rightful place in the anus…er, I mean annals…of history.

  3. Roger says:

    At least you survived to see another scene, Sage. Think of poor Sir Dave and Sir Luke. 🙁

  4. Eric says:

    And now Brother Kirk is gone as well..

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