Scene 6: The Rumor Board

(Adapted from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Names and actions courtesy of event that occur at the Rumor Forum.)

[clop clop clop]

SIR HOLLAND:
And that, my liege, is how we know the earth to be banana bread-shaped.

TYRANT GEOF:
This new learning amazes me, Sir HOLLAND. Explain again how sheep’s bladders may be employed to prevent horks.

HOLLAND:
Oh, certainly, sir.

SIR TREY:
Look, my liege!
[trumpets]

TYRANT GEOF:
The Rumor Board!

SIR RUMORSAGE:
The Rumor Board!

TREY:
The Rumor Board!

BO-OB:
It’s only a website.

TYRANT GEOF:
Shh! Bartenders, I bid you welcome to your new home.
Let us ride… to… The Rumor Board!

[in thread]

MARK DESHAZO: [singing]
Welcome to the Rumor Board
The greatest community of all
Where we talk about our favorite band
The glorious Caedmon’s Call

All hail our chief and founder
Sir Bryan the brave
All hail queen Mego
We plead God to save

Spread your love to Geof, our admin
He keeps the place ordered and clean
And to Nicole, our resident artist
And former Guild queen

Welcome to the Rumor Board
The greatest community on the web
Welcome all you lurkers
Please come and post instead

BRIAN SHEARER:
[Chained to a desk in “Anthony’s” warehouse]
Clap! Clap! Clap!

MARK DESHAZO:
bridge:
We know it’s not the official
Caedmon’s Call site
But it should be
It should be
And you should be
Posting here too!

Welcome to the Rumor Board
The greatest community in the land
Where we talk about everything
Especially our favorite band

Welcome. . .to the Rumor Board!

All rights reserved by Mark DeShazo Music ©

-Mark (Disclaimer: In no way does this song guarantee the recipient any rights, privileges or benefits. Some restrictions apply. Not available in all fifty states. Void where prohibited. Employees and their families are not eligible. See your participating dealer for details. May cause abdominal cramping and loose stool. Consult your doctor before using. Use only as directed. Keep out of reach of children. Not valid with any other coupon or discount. Sales tax not included. All rights reserved. All trademarks are the property of their respective companies. Use only approved replacement parts and accessories. Warranty void if removed. See inside for a complete list of rules. Do not taunt happy fun ball. Can not be used in conjunction with any other offer. Objects may be closer than they appear. Batteries not included. Not responsible for any losses incurred upon using this product. Results not typical of the average user. Do not exceed recommended dosage. Store at room temperature. Unauthorized duplication is a violation of applicable laws. One size fits all. No serviceable components inside. CAUTION: CONTENTS MAY BE HOT! Patent pending. Singing this song indicates your acceptance of these terms and conditions. Not responsible for any damages incurred while using this product. This finished product not tested on animals. Made in the USA. Please recycle when empty. Satisfaction guaranteed. Apply freely to affected parts. May cause drowsiness. Use with adequate ventilation. Liability is not assumed for omissions or errors. Watch out for those coat hangers! Locally owned and operated. All returns may be subject to a restocking charge. Free estimates. Specifications subject to change without notice. Made from 100% recyclable materials. Not affiliated with Caedmon’s Call or their subsidiaries. Refrigerate after opening. Percent daily values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet. This warranty is limited to the replacement of this product only and does not extend to consequential or incidental damage to other products that may be used with this unit. Sale contingent upon agreement between parties. The angle of the dangle is inversely proportionate to the heat of the meat. Do not overfill. May not be compatible with other systems. Patience is a virtue. Daily post totals are unofficial and subject to verification. Always check your gauges. Contains only natural preservatives. Inspected by number 51. Please drive thru. Do not attempt without professional supervision. May be subject to a 15% restocking fee. Beware of the penguins. Fat free. Shake well before using. Keep horizontal when not in use. Do not override safety features. Some assembly required. Offer only for a limited time. There is no time like the present. Professional on closed course, do not attempt. Contents under pressure. More fun than a hamhock full of penguins. Visit our website to locate a dealer in your area. Do not stare directly at the sun. The persons referred to in this song are actual individuals. Consult a professional in case of an emergency. Reverse engineering is prohibited. Please call our toll free number with any questions or comments. Tear at perforation. Mail service will not deliver without proper postage. If we experience a sudden loss of cabin pressure, an oxygen mask will drop down from overhead; secure your mask before helping others and breathe normally. Abuse of superhero powers is grounds for dismissal. Please fasten your seatbelt. We do not discriminate on the basis of race, religion, national origin, color, sex, age, disability, veteran status or doctrinal belief. Power off before connecting or disconnecting. Please retain for your records. Do not run with scissors. May God bless you. Lightning may not always be accompanied with thunder. Repeat as needed. Please direct all complaints to management. Staff consists of volunteers. Notification of birthday does not guarantee wishes on respective day. In God we trust. This has been formatted to capacity. Now accepting applications. No vacancy. Caution, playground equipment may be hot! Facilities in use. Unauthorized vehicles will be towed. If you experience symptoms such as persistent or recurring discomfort, pain, throbbing, aching, tingling, numbness, burning sensation, or stiffness, do not ignore these warning signs and promptly see a qualified health professional. Yield to oncoming traffic. Nothing lasts forever. God is love.)

TYRANT GEOF:
Well, on second thought, let’s not go to The Rumor Board. It is a silly place.

BARTENDERS:
Right. Right.

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4 Responses to Scene 6: The Rumor Board

  1. Geof says:

    Niiiiiiiiiiiiice.

  2. trey says:

    purty…

  3. the Sage says:

    Just when I’m convinced you’ve done all you could with this…you top yourself once again. When this is finished, we need to collect it in some way. Do you think we’ll end up with a complete Rumor Grail script in the end?

  4. Roger says:

    That’s the plan :yes:

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