The “Get to Know” Inquisition

by Monty Python / Roger

In the early years of the 21st century, to combat the rising tide of religious unorthodoxy, the Pope Derek Webb gave Cardinal Red Sox of WV (aka Deion) leave to move without let or hindrance throughout the land, in a reign of violence, terror and torture that makes a smashing film. This was the Get to Know Inquisition

Cast:
Ximinez = Red Sox (aka Deion)
Biggles = Josheb Basshebeth
Fang = Chris (from L.C.)
Chapman = Hoss
Cleveland = waiting (Lori)
Mr Wentworth = that damn Hansel
Marjorie Wilde = the LSW

Hoss: Trouble at Get to Know.

Lori: Oh no – what kind of trouble?

Hoss: One on’t thingy bobbies gone owt askew on CRT.

Lori: Pardon?

Hoss: One on’t thingy bobbies gone owt askew on CRT.

Lori: I don’t understand what you’re saying.

Hoss: [slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent] One of the thingy ma-bobbies has gone out askew on the Cathode Ray Tube.

Lori: Well what on earth does that mean?

Hoss: *I* don’t know – That damn Hansel just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that’s all – I didn’t expect a kind of Get to Know Hoss Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD]

[The door flies open and Cardinal Red Sox of WV [Palin] enters, flanked by two junior cardinals. Cardinal Josheb has goggles pushed over his forehead. Cardinal Chris (from L.C.)]

Red Sox: NOBODY expects the Get to Know Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise…surprise and fear…fear and surprise…. Our two weapons are fear and surprise…and ruthless efficiency…. Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency…and an almost fanatical devotion to Derek…. Our *four*…no… *Amongst* our weapons…. Amongst our weaponry…are such elements as fear, surprise…. I’ll come in again.

[The Inquisition exits]

Hoss: I didn’t expect a kind of Get to Know Hoss Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD]

[The cardinals burst in]

Red Sox: NOBODY expects the Get to Know Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to Derek, and nice red uniforms – Oh damn!
[To Cardinal Josheb] I can’t say it – you’ll have to say it.

Josheb: What?

Red Sox: You’ll have to say the bit about ‘Our chief weapons are …’

Josheb: [rather horrified]: I couldn’t do that…

[Red Sox bundles the cardinals outside again]

Hoss: I didn’t expect a kind of Get to Know Hoss Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD]

[The cardinals enter]

Josheb: Er…. Nobody…um….

Red Sox: Expects….

Josheb: Expects… Nobody expects the…um…the Get to Know…um…

Red Sox: Inquisition.

Josheb: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Get to Know Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect –

Red Sox: Our chief weapons are…

Josheb: Our chief weapons are…um…er…

Red Sox: Surprise…

Josheb: Surprise and —

Red Sox: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there – stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! … our chief weapons are surprise…blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges.
Chris: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church. ‘My old man said follow the–‘

Josheb: That’s enough.
[To Lori] Now, how do you plead?

Lori: We’re innocent.

Red Sox: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]

Josheb: We’ll soon change your mind about that!

[DIABOLICAL ACTING]

Red Sox: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless– [controls himself with a supreme effort] Ooooh! Now, Cardinal — the rack!

[Josheb produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Red Sox looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger]

Red Sox: You….Right! Tie her down.

[Chris and Josheb make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack]

Red Sox:Right! How do you plead?

Lori: Innocent.

Red Sox: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack [oh dear] give the rack a turn.

[Josheb stands their awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders]

Josheb: I….

Red Sox: [gritting his teeth] I *know*, I know you can’t. I didn’t want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.

Josheb: I…

Red Sox: It makes it all seem so stupid.

Josheb: Shall I…?

Red Sox: No, just pretend for God’s sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!

[Josheb turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish-rack]

****[Cut to them torturing a dear old lady, The LSW]****

Red Sox: Now, old woman — you are accused of heresy on three counts — heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action — *four* counts. Do you confess?

The LSW: I don’t understand what I’m accused of.

Red Sox: Ha! Then we’ll make you understand! Josheb! Fetch…THE CUSHIONS! .

[JARRING CHORD]

[Josheb holds out two ordinary modern household cushions]

Josheb: Here they are, lord.

Red Sox: Now, old lady — you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly — *two* last chances. And you shall be free — *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.

The LSW: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Red Sox: Right! If that’s the way you want it — Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions!

[Josheb carries out this rather pathetic torture]

Red Sox: Confess! Confess! Confess!

Josheb: It doesn’t seem to be hurting her, lord.

Red Sox: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?

Josheb: Yes, lord.

Red Sox [angrily hurling away the cushions]: Hm! She is made of harder stuff! Cardinal Chris! Fetch…THE COMFY CHAIR!

[JARRING CHORD]

[Zoom into Chris’s horrified face]

Chris [terrified]: The…Comfy Chair?

[Josheb pushes in a comfy chair — a really plush one]

Red Sox: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Josheb! Put her in the Comfy Chair!

[They roughly push her into the Comfy Chair]

Red Sox [with a cruel leer]: Now — you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven. [aside, to Josheb] Is that really all it is?

Josheb: Yes, lord.

Red Sox: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess

Josheb: I confess!

Red Sox: Not you!

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