Folks, I’m sorry to say this, but I won’t be going out for Halloween this year.
I fear I must now apologize to all the elderly people I have frightened. At first it seemed like a harmless prank, donning a 30 pound gorilla suit and roaming through the neighborhood, searching for the elderly or faint-of-heart. Then it became an obsession.
I didn’t want to take my gorilla suit off. It was snug and warm, perfect for fall in Austria. Much to my delight, I found that I didn’t have to shower, bathe or shave while in my gorilla suit. No one could see me and any smell I acqured just made the costume seem more realistic.
I kept the suit on for so long that I stopped interacting with people. I was a gorilla! They didn’t hang around with pale folk! Once my communication ceased, I began to forget language. My speech became a series of grunts, growls and hoots. When something excited me, I would point and then beat my chest, often hopping up and down to make my excitement known.
Out of work, I would hunt through the woods for berries and grubs. Sometimes I would be able to fight off a raccoon for the leftovers in a garbage can. Without utensils, I would tear apart my food with my rubber fingers and try to manipulate sustenance into the hole near my mouth. This left my fingers and mouth areas slimy and covered in food. Oftentimes the food would fall down inside my suit, before making it to my mouth, just to stick to various parts of my sweaty body.
And yet my gorilla mentality did not think it had gone too far.
When the final couple came walking up the trail near my makeshift nest, I couldn’t resist myself. They were eating bananas and laughing merrily as if they had not a care in the world. Little did I know they were elderly narcs looking to end my rein as head silverback of St Margarethen.
The police have apprehended the only costume I own, and one that had become very precious to me. And that, my dear friends, is why I won’t be participating in Halloween this year. But do not fret, my baboon suit has been ordered and will arrive in plenty of time for next year’s festivities.