“Pesky, protected monkeys doing hard time in jail” BY KIM BARKER (Chicago Tribune):
PATIALA, India – (KRT) – The thief threatened children with bricks and ripped the buttons off shirts. He stole tomatoes from one home and snatched bread from another. Down the street, he briefly fled with a differential equations book and beat a calculator with his fist.
He was one bad monkey. And last week he was sentenced to life in prison for his crimes, inmate No. 13 at the country’s only known monkey jail, where very bad monkeys are sent to live out their remaining years.
“He used to eat our guavas,” Bhagwanti Devi said. “He would throw stones and try to hit us. Until we gave him flat bread, he wouldn’t leave.”
These escapades and more have now been attributed to our very own Qwert Yuppy, formerly known in Patiala as No. 13.
“Bricks have always been a favorite of Qwert’s when in an undeveloped area,” said anonymous close friends upon interview, “that or a chunk of stucco.”
It is also a wide-known fact that Qwert has one of the largest button collections in the continental US.
“As far as the differential equations book, what one doesn’t need a severe beating,” asked Qwert’s lawyer, Ramon, at a recent press conference. “The ‘guava’ incident never happened; they have no proof. It could have been any one of a dozen monkeys roaming the area, most of which had all received flat bread from the family. I’ve tasted it, the woman should be arrested for cruelty to animals.”
Ramon is quite confident in his case.
Qwerty must be, too, for last this reported had heard the infamous monkey was leaving Patiala to visit Gaughati, India.