Scene 11: UNDERSCORE STEVE at The John Larroquette Project

(Adapted from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Names and actions courtesy of event that occur at the Rumor Forum and The John Larroquette Project)

[trumpets]
ACOUSTIC JOE:
The Tale of SIR UNDERSCORE STEVE.
[boom] [wind] [howl] [howl] [boom]
[DeShazo singing]
[howl] [boom] [howl] [boom]
[pound pound pound]

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Unlock the post! Unlock the post!
[pound pound pound]
In the name of Tyrant Geof, unlock the post!
[creak]
[thump]
[creak]
[boom]

GIRLS:
Hello!

*TAMI*:
Welcome, gentle Sir Knight. Welcome to The John Larroquette Project.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
The John Larroquette Project?

*TAMI*:
Yes. Oh, it’s not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every, every need!

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
You are the keepers of the Holy Hymnal?

*TAMI*:
The what?

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
The Hymnal. It is here.

*TAMI*:
Oh, but you are tired and you must rest awhile. Morgan! Christiana!

MORGAN and CHRISTIANA:
Yes, O *tami*?

*TAMI*:
Prepare a bed for our guest.

MORGAN and CHRISTIANA:
Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!…

*TAMI*:
Away! Away, varletesses. The beds here are warm and soft and very full of ham.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Well, look, I– I, uh—

*TAMI*:
What is your name, handsome knight?

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
‘SIR UNDERSCORE STEVE… the Chaste’.

*TAMI*:
Mine is ‘*tami*’. Just ‘*tami*’. Oh, but come.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Look, please! In Cliff Young’s name, show me the Hymnal!

*TAMI*:
Oh, you have suffered much. You are delirious.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
No, look. I have seen it! It was like staring at the sun! It is here in this—

*TAMI*:
SIR UNDERSCORE STEVE! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Well, I– I, uh—

*TAMI*:
Oh, I am afraid our Project must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunette commenters, all between sixteen and nineteen- and- a- half, cut off in this blog with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life: posting, speaking of dressing, undressing, dead cats, and making exciting underwear references. We are just not used to handsome knights. Nay. Nay. Come. Come. You may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
No, no. It’s– it’s nothing.

*TAMI*:
Oh, you must see the “doctors” immediately! No, no, please! Lie down.
[clap clap]

SUZ:
Well, what seems to be the trouble?

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
They’re doctors?!

*TAMI*:
Uh, they… have a basic medical training, yes.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
B– but—

*TAMI*:
Oh, come. Come. You must try to rest. Doctor Suz! Doctor Michaela Quinn! Practice your art.

DR MICHAELA QUINN:
Try to relax.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Are you sure that’s absolutely necessary?

SUZ:
We must examine you.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
There’s nothing wrong with that!

SUZ:
Please. We are doctors.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Look! This cannot be. I am sworn to chastity.

SUZ:
Back to your ham! At once!

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Torment me no longer. I have seen the Hymnal!

SUZ:
There’s no hymnal here.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
I have seen it! I have seen it!
[clank]
I have seen—

GIRLS:
Hello.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Oh.

GIRLS:
Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
*tami*!

LAUREN:
No, I am *tami*’s identical twin sister, LAUREN.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Oh, well, excuse me, I—

LAUREN:
Where are you going?

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
I seek the Hymnal! I have seen it, here in this blog!

LAUREN:
Oh, no. Oh, no! Bad, bad *tami*!

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Well, what is it?

LAUREN:
Oh, wicked, bad, naughty *tami*! She has been setting alight to our bright-as-the-sun beacon, which, I have just remembered, is hymnal-shaped. It’s not the first time we’ve had this problem.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
It’s not the real Hymnal?

LAUREN:
Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil *tami*! She is a bad person and must pay the penalty! Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when Roger was re-writing it, but now, we’re glad. It’s better than some of the previous scenes, I think.

MARK S. HEAD OF THE TRINITY:
At least ours was better visually.

JEFF DIAZ:
Well, at least ours was committed. It wasn’t just a string of cake jokes.

JOSH REILLY:
Get on with it.

MIC THE ENCHANTRESS:
Yes, get on with it!

ARMY OF POSTERS:
Yes, get on with it!

LAUREN:
Oh, I am enjoying this scene.

CLIFF YOUNG:
Get on with it!

LAUREN:
[sigh]
[clunk]
Oh, wicked, wicked *tami*. Oh, she is a naughty person and she must pay the penalty, and here in The John Larroquette Project, we have but one punishment for setting alight the hymnal-shaped, sun-bright beacon: you must shoot the sun-beacon, tie *tami* down on a ham-bed, spank her with an antler and make her sleep without a fan.

GIRLS:
A spanking! A spanking!

LAUREN:
You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like, and then, spank me.

CHRISSY:
And spank me.

RHONDA:
And me.

XTREME:
And me.

LAUREN:
Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!

GIRLS:
A spanking! A spanking! There is going to be a spanking tonight!

LAUREN:
And after the spanking, we must all have cake.

GIRLS:
The cake! The cake!

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Well, I could stay a bit longer.

TREY:
SIR UNDERSCORE STEVE!

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Oh, hello.

TREY:
Quick!

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
What?

TREY:
Quick!

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Why?

TREY:
You are in great peril!

LAUREN:
No, he isn’t.

TREY:
Silence, foul temptress!

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
You know, she’s got a point.

TREY:
Come on! We will cover your escape!

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Look, I’m fine!

TREY:
Come on!

GIRLS:
SIR UNDERSCORE STEVE!

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!

LAUREN:
Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!

GIRLS:
Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!

TREY:
No, SIR UNDERSCORE STEVE. Come on!

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
No! Really! Honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily.

LAUREN:
Oh, yes. Let him handle us easily.

GIRLS:
Yes. Let him handle us easily.

TREY:
No. Quick! Quick!

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Please! I can defeat them! There’s only a hundred-and-fifty of them!

LAUREN:
Yes! Yes, he will beat us easily! We haven’t a chance.

GIRLS:
We haven’t a chance. He will beat us easily…
[boom] .

LAUREN:
Oh, crap.

TREY:
We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
I don’t think I was.

TREY:
Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.

TREY:
No, it’s too perilous.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Look, it’s my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.

TREY:
No, we’ve got to find the Holy Hymnal. Come on!

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?

TREY:
No. It’s unhealthy.

UNDERSCORE STEVE:
I bet you’re gay.

TREY:
No, I’m not.

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6 Responses to Scene 11: UNDERSCORE STEVE at The John Larroquette Project

  1. Hannah says:

    😆 good stuff, Roger!

  2. trey says:

    unbelivable.. :lol::lol::lol: best one yet.. no doubt about it

  3. Reilly says:

    hey trey… i bet you ARE gay.

  4. Eric says:

    The RMFO folks used for the characters are about as perfect a match as you can get… priceless…

  5. *tami* says:

    so… you’re saying there’ll be no spanking today?

    DANG IT!

  6. lauren says:

    :lol::lol::lol::lol:

    how did you know i talk like this :inno:

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