Scene 13: The Knights Superlative

(Adapted from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Names and actions courtesy of event that occur at the Rumor Forum.)

[spooky music; something that would make The Vampire cower. If the music were a painting, it would be Edvard Munch’s The Scream.]
[music stops]

BEST KNIGHT EVER:
Coolest… forest… ever!

KNIGHTS SUPERLATIVE:
Coolest! Coolest! Coolest! Coolest! Coolest!

GEOF:
Who are you?

BEST KNIGHT EVER:
We are the Knights Superlative!

RANDOM KNIGHT:
Best ever!

GEOF:
No! Not the Knights Superlative!

BEST KNIGHT EVER:
The same!

SIR HOLLAND:
Who are they?

BEST KNIGHT EVER:
We are the keepers of the sacred words: ‘Best’, ‘Coolest’, and ‘Most!

RANDOM KNIGHT:
Ever!

GEOF:
Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale.

BEST KNIGHT EVER:
The Knights Superlative demand a sacrifice.

GEOF:
KNIGHTS SUPERLATIVE, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchantress who lives beyond these woods.

BEST KNIGHT EVER:
Coolest forest ever!

KNIGHTS SUPERLATIVE:
Coolest! Best! Most trees! Greenest!…

GEOF:
Ow! Ow! Ow! Agh!

BEST KNIGHT EVER:
We shall say every superlative to you if you do not appease us.

GEOF:
Well, what is it you want?

BEST KNIGHT EVER:
We want… a shrubbery! (Roger: can’t improve on that)
[dramatic chord]

GEOF:
A what?

KNIGHTS SUPERLATIVE:
Hottest! Silliest! Most delicious!

GEOF and PARTY:
Ow! Oh!

GEOF:
Please! Please! No more! We will find you a shrubbery.

BEST KNIGHT EVER:
You must return here with a shrubbery, or else, you will never pass through this wood… alive.

GEOF:
O KNIGHTS SUPERLATIVE, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery.

BEST KNIGHT EVER:
The nicest one ever.

GEOF:
Of course.

BEST KNIGHT EVER:
And not too expensive.

GEOF:
…That doesn’t fit…

BEST KNIGHT EVER:
Now… go!

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