Scene 14: ‘At the Man Board…’

(Adapted from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Names and actions courtesy of event that occur at the Rumor Forum.)

ACOUSTIC JOE:
The Tale of Sir Trey.

LORD JOSH BOBBIT:
One day, lad, all this will be yours!

PRINCE JDR:
What, the monitor?

LORD JOSH:
No. Not the monitor, lad. All the threads you can see, stretched out over the Man Board of this Forum! This’ll be your kingdom, lad.

JDR:
But Scott—

LORD JOSH:
LORD JOSH, lad. LORD JOSH.

JDR:
B– b– but LORD JOSH, I don’t want any of that.

LORD JOSH:
Listen, lad. I built this Man Board up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was the Rumor Forum. Other bartenders said I was daft to build a Man Board off the Rumor Forum, but I built it all the same, just to show ’em. It sank into depravity. So, I built a second one. That sank into depravity. So, I built a third one. That caused horrendous controversy, alienated tons of men, then sank into depravity, but the fourth one… it’ll stay up! And that’s what you’re gonna get, lad: the most edifying Man Board in these Forums.

JDR:
But I don’t want any of that. I’d rather—

LORD JOSH:
Rather what?!

JDR:
I’d rather…
[JDR clicks New Topic]
…just… be Random!

LORD JOSH:
Stop that! Stop that! You’re not going Random while I’m here. Now listen, lad. In twenty minutes, you’re threads are being merged with a girl’s whose father owns the most edifying server in Britain.

JDR:
B– but I don’t want a more edifying server.

LORD JOSH:
Listen, Ricky,–

JDR:
JDR.

LORD JOSH:
‘JDR. We post in the Man Board. We need all edification we can get.

JDR:
But– but I don’t like her.

LORD JOSH:
Don’t like her?! What’s wrong with her?! She’s beautiful. She’s rich. She’s got huge… lawnchairs!

JDR:

I know, but I want the– the girl that I marry to have…
[JDR clicks New Topic]
…a certain,… special… personality!

LORD JOSH:
Cut that out! Cut that out! Look, you’re like a big bear, man, and she’s just like this little bunny, who’s just kinda cowering in the corner.
[smack]
Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn’t leave this Man Board until I come and get him.

GUARD JOSHEWAH:
Not to leave the Man Board even if he’s money.

GUARD *DANIEL
:
Hic!

LORD JOSH:
And I won’t call on him even if I want to come get him.

JOSHEWAH :
Okay, so what if you don’t want to come get him?

LORD JOSH:
I won’t call

JOSHEWAH :
But you said you won’t call if you wanted to come get him.

*DANIEL:
Hic!

LORD JOSH:
Right

JOSHEWAH :
So you don’t call either way?

LORD JOSH:
Right

JOSHEWAH :
So what’s the difference?

LORD JOSH:
There is no difference right now. See, Guard, the only difference between giving in and not giving in is if I come get him while he wants to come down. But I can’t do anything to make him want to come. In fact, I can only do stuff to make him not want to come down.

*DANIEL:
Hic!

JOSHEWAH :
So the only difference is if you forget about him or just pretend to forget about him?

LORD JOSH:
Right

JOSHEWAH :
Well, that sucks.

LORD JOSH:
Yeah, it sucks.

JOSHEWAH :
So it’s just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean you could, like, forget about him and then when he wants to come down make like you just pretended to forget about him?

*DANIEL:
Hic!

LORD JOSH:
Right. Although probably more likely the opposite.

JOSHEWAH :
What do you mean?

LORD JOSH:
I mean, at first I’m going to pretend to forget about him, I won’t call on him, I don’t know, whatever…but then eventually, I really will forget about him.

JOSHEWAH :
What if he wants to come down first?

LORD JOSH:
Mmmm…see, that’s the thing, is somehow they know not to come down until you really forget.

JOSHEWAH :
There’s the rub

*DANIEL:
Hic!

LORD JOSH:
There’s the rub

JDR:
But LORD JOSH!

LORD JOSH:
Shut your noise, you! And get that cowboy hat on!
[JDR clicks New Topic]
And no Random posts!

*DANIEL:
Hic!

LORD JOSH:
Oh, come to Critical Critic and get a Nalgene bottle of Poland Springs.
[clank]
[scribble scribble scribble fold fold]
[twong]

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1 Response to Scene 14: ‘At the Man Board…’

  1. That’s beautiful.

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