Yesterday, in the middle of the day, I was warned that after work we were going for a walk. My heart skipped a beat. A walk? Can my body handle such a thing? All I’m good for these days is sitting around the computer or reading in bed. Neither one of those is overly strenuous, nor is there any walking involved unless I need to get up to find a snack. So, the villainous portent of exercise hung over my head the rest of the day making it impossible to find joy in the rest of my goofing off.
Time for the walk finally arrived after dinner. Until then I though maybe my wife had forgotten about the evening’s scheduled torture. Alas, right after eating we had to don some comfortable clothing and hit the pavement. I thought I might be entitled to a short nap first, I mean, aren’t you not supposed to put undue stress on your body directly after a meal? Shouldn’t I be waiting a half hour before embarking on this life-threatening event? If I suddenly seized up with cramps and fell to the pavement, splitting my head open that would sure teach her a lesson.
Instead of taking a left out of our driveway which would take us along the settled suburbs of civilization, we turned right. This led only to the end of our dead end street. It was either going to be a short walk or she wanted to brave the wild forests of Brewer, Maine.
Once inside the woods I began to suspect she had it in for me…walking right after a meal, toward the savage forests where no witnesses could hear my cries for help. I found a stout branch and, in the guise of forming a walking stick, I broke budding stems off it until only two were left. These two stems grew up diagonally from the branch, creating a hilt-like look on my stick. I now had a walking stick that would double as a rather dull two-handed sword. Now I had a little more defense against my wife’s devious schemes, squirrels trained in the martial arts or ninja tramps. And, if I started cramping I could use the stick as a crutch. Score!
Also inside the woods was some sort of bug jamboree. We must have walked through the midst of their party because after a few minutes we were surrounded by the enemy. They were small and quick and my stick-sword was useless against them. The blood-sucking leeches would stop at nothing less than complete drainage of my vital fluids. Mosquitoes, horseflies, black flies all took turns attacking me alone or in groups. My only recourse was to cover myself completely in mud before continuing on.
Sauntering through the forest along ATV trails led us to many interesting sights. We found open fields where wild animals obviously bedded. One area I suspected as a bedding area was confirmed when I found deer pellets on the ground during closer inspection. I only found out they were deer pellets after tasting a few, thinking I had found a stash of raisinettes. It was an honest mistake; that’s what I keep close at hand while in bed.
Off the beaten path in a nearby area was a decent sort of tree cabin. There was a long, sturdy wooden ladder leading up to two different levels. The first level had some short walls, just enough to keep you from falling off. The second level was just a platform, maybe some sort of lookout level. My wife thought it might be some sort of transient home (though it had no roofs), but I thought it was the S.S. Scourge. I waved my sword-stick and told her to quit her worryin’ and bellyachin’ or she’d be walking the plank, arrrrgh! She retreated back to the trail and I climbed up into the crow’s nest to look for other ships to pirate.
All in all it was a pretty good time, though I ditched my stick before reaching civilized lands again. This saddens me because we’re going to do it all again tonight and what will I do if a horde of kung-fu badgers surrounds us?