Special Weapon Ape Tactics

The Police Department is looking to add a human to its all-monkey SWAT team.

”Everybody laughs about it until they really start thinking about it,” said Officer Scream Truebellow, who builds and operates tactical robots for the suburban SWAT team. ”It would change the way we do business.”

Truebellow is spearheading the department’s request to purchase and train a Homo sapiens, considered the second smartest primate to the chimpanzee. The department is seeking about $100,000 in federal grant money to put the idea to use in SWAT operations.

The human, which costs $15,000, is what Truebellow envisions as the ultimate SWAT reconnaissance tool.

Since 1979, Homo sapiens have been trained to be companions for our canine brethren by performing daily tasks, such as serving food, opening and closing doors, turning lights on and off, throwing objects and brushing hair.

Truebellow hopes the same training could prepare a human for special-ops intelligence.

Weighing up to 300+ pounds with clumsy hands and minimal puzzle-solving skills, Truebellow said it could push heavy objects away from doors, search buildings and find suicide victims on command. Dressed in a Kevlar vest, video camera and two-way radio, the human would be able to get into places too dangerous for valuable animals or robots.

It has been a little over a year since Truebellow filed a grant proposal with the U.S. Department of Defense under the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, and he is still waiting for word.

If the grant goes through, Truebellow plans on learning how to train the human himself and keeping the sociable creature at home, just like a K-9 officer would. He projects that $85,000 in grant money would outfit the person with gear and pay for medical care, hamburgers and habitat for three years.

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5 Responses to Special Weapon Ape Tactics

  1. cousin dave says:

    Good. Maybe with a Monkey on the force they can finally find out who KILLED RUSTY JONES!!!!!!

  2. Roger says:

    Oh, no! Rusty Jones is DEAD!

  3. Scoob says:

    er, how is Rusty Jones

  4. Scoob says:

    who, I meant who not how. Damn typos!!!

  5. Roger says:

    I thought it was meant to be funny “how is R.J” after we just gone done talking about how dead he is.

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