Flesh Eating Disease

It seems I picked up some kind of superbug at the gym last night.

I was graciously brought to Planet Fitness as a guest of a co-worker. I went straight for the free weights, ignoring the fact that I haven’t lifted weights in many years now. I pounded through some squats, leg extensions, bench press, and a few other machines before hopping on the treadmill. I have a treadmill at home, mind you, but I had some time to waste before my workout buddy was done.

End a refreshing night at the gym. Wake up to this morning.

This morning I can barely walk. Standing up is difficult at best. My chest is sore. My back is sore. To what can I attribute this strange malady?

Everyone seemed pretty good at cleaning off the equipment when finished, but I feel I can accurately conclude that I caught some kind of flesh-eating disease last night. Apparently this disease begins eating away at your larger muscles as it slowly burrows toward your outer flesh. Once my pecs, hamstrings, gluts, and abs have been messily devoured, these strange creatures will surely erupt through my elastic skin, chewing furrows up and down my dermis. It kind of makes me itch.

I feel my only hope now is my meat tenderizer and some Purell.

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6 Responses to Flesh Eating Disease

  1. ted says:

    I think you have the bird flu.

  2. Scoob says:

    I think I’ve heard of this strange but common disease Wimpilitis Sissionomia you may have that. I’ve never had it but I have heard of it, you should go see your doctor for a good beating, it is the only known cure.

  3. Roger says:

    I wasn’t aware doctors distributed good beatings. Is that something you can refer a friend for, as well?

  4. It takes a triple referrer.

    I happen to be licensed in beatings, so if you want, someone can refer you to me. I have a cane, and it is freshly disinfected! 🙂

  5. Scoob says:

    I am assuming Eric lives closer I will refer you to him, plus it would be less painful for he to do it instead of I considering a majority of my life I have either been paid to distribute beatings(all in the line of duty) or done them voluntarily in the form of organized sport. Man, what a great life!!! :)_

  6. Roger says:

    Yes, Scoob, Mark would be proud.

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