Who Gives a Fig?

What human being was twisted enough to merge figs and whole grain into one fruit newton?

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Seriously, with enough fiber to effectively scrub your colon clean, these things should come with a warning label. They are like a non-toxic version of Liquid Plumr. It’s as cleansing as a lactose intolerant fool eating a large bowl of shredded wheat in whole milk, followed by three large scoops of ice cream.

Who decided to package this bowel-rending experience in innocuous snack bags? Is it the secret colon cleansing society? You take a whole grain, which has a “greater amount of dietary fiber, as much as four times that found in refined grains” and add it to figs, which “are a natural laxative“. How does this not spell a recipe for disaster?

Do yourself a favor. Unless you want to run to the bathroom ten times in one day, lay off the whole grain Fig Newtons.