Impending Squirrel Attack

I write this, my friends, so you will not be ignorant of the impending doom that is about to come upon all 50 states (that have squirrels).

I type with my shades down today, as increasing numbers of squirrels canvas my house. In deliberate facade, they peek under fallen leaves for the acorns that will supposedly sustain them throughout the winter months ahead. I see, however, the subtle jerk of the head toward my dining room window. I see the beady little eyes assessing my defenses. With the number of squirrels running around in the back yard, it is impossible for me to watch them all at once. However, you can rest assured that multiple eyes are watching me.

They scan my fortifications, each squirrel assigned to a different aspect of the house. No individual squirrel knows the entire layout, until they meet back at the oak tree to compare notes. Soon, a complete rendering of the house is made, with all weaknesses highlighted.

As I dump shot into the barrel of my elephant gun, I know my duty lies to you, my dear readers, to warn you of this impending doom. For I see the subtle creatures not only in my back yard, but also in the yards of all those around me.

Lock your women and children safely in your bomb shelter, and may God have mercy on your soul.

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5 Responses to Impending Squirrel Attack

  1. Cousin Dave says:

    There are black squirrels in the mid-west (no-joke) that are agressive! I have seen them in person in Wisconson. They are mean little buggers.. I taunted one and he wasn’t having it. He scolded me and ran down his tree….. I did not inspect him or her for rabies I let them keep there tree.

  2. Roger says:

    You are wise. I hear the black squirrel is our equivalent of a ninja. He would have schooled you, human.

  3. Josh says:

    I hear ya. My friend and I have been keenly aware of the “black squirrel rebellion” that’s been taking place throughout the northern hemisphere over at least the last several years. The grey squirrels act very suspicious around our school’s campus too, not to mention, the entire city.

  4. Josh says:

    Here is the article in which I first heard of it:

  5. Roger says:

    Thanks, Josh! This is journalistic gold! Hence it being the next post… 🙂

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