No, this is not some hilarious one-liner to end a crowd-pleasing joke. This is a true account of my experiences last night. The wife and I drove to Portland, two hours away, to join our friends at a birthday dinner. The restaurant chose was vegetarian. And, I believe, not just vegetarian but vegan as well. Some entrees were even gluten free, great for those with unfortunately severe dietary constraints.
We looked over the menu thinking there had to be something that would be the slightest bit appetizing. Well, there was: some kind of spinach and soy cheese wanton. However, that was an appetizer, and my wife seemed loathe to let me order only an appetizer and not a main dish. I might add a couple things at this point: 1) I am very good at choosing only a simple appetizer and enjoying it at a place where the menu seems a bit suspect to my tastes. One time I ordered only a bowl of clam chowder, and enjoyed it, while the rest of my dining party was nauseated with their dinner selections. I spent less money and had a better dinner. I trust me. This did not happen last night. 2) There was another person at the dinner last night, much smarter than I was allowed to be, who was allowed to not order anything at all. Nothing. He didn’t order only an appetizer. He ordered nothing. And he got away with it. I don’t know exactly how the birthday girl thought of him, but I didn’t hear anyone coming down on him for not ordering. Taking those two facts together, I should have just gotten an appetizer.
My steamed vegetables came to me covered in peanut sauce. I thought it would be pretty good and all I would have to do is pick out a few of my least favorite vegetables. Unfortunately, the peanut sauce was chunky not smooth. Also unfortunately, as of late my body has had a bit of a problem with chunky peanut sauce.
A couple weeks ago I was, what one would call, violently ill. The last thing I had eaten earlier in the day we some roasted peanuts. The taste of roasted peanuts stayed with me through the entire day as my stomach ached and caused the most nauseated feelings I have had in a decade or two. These feelings culminated in a grand, if not violent, outpouring of nothing other than chunky peanut sauce a few times that night. Flash forward that picture to the chunky peanut sauce I was staring at on my plate last night. I should have just gotten an appetizer.
We headed back toward home from the interestingly busy vegetarian restaurant and decided to stop at a Dairy Queen at the halfway point. The DQ in Augusta is a small little hole in the wall with no inside seating, though it does have inside serving. The pictures of the 25th anniversary Blizzards were deliciously tempting. I ordered a medium Tagalong Blizzard to make up for my dinner. The Blizzard looked great; the kid had even sprinkled some of the Tagalongs on top when he was done mixing it up.
The first few bites were not too bad. I was just enjoying the ice cream, a delicacy I don’t indulge in quite so much these days. After the first bites, I noticed the Blizzard was awfully soft. It was as if the ice cream was melting rapidly or maybe it wasn’t too hard to begin with. It also started tasting funny, and not a good kind of funny like a clown. It was definitely the bad kind of funny, like nauseating chunky peanuts.
I finished almost the entire Blizzard (hey, I paid for it), and drove home quite disappointed all in all.
Today I had a Mint Oreo Blizzard for lunch. It was awesome. The end.