Disappointing Everyone

I am pretty much a disappointment to everyone who cares/cared about and believes/believed in me.

I spent a good number of my formative years at my great-grandmother’s house. She helped raise me, including educating me, and grew to love me. Everyone knew I was her favorite grandchild and that she absolutely adored me. When I eventually moved back in with my mother, the visits to my great-grandmother slowly grew fewer and fewer. I would go many weekends, then I would go a few weekends, and then I would not really go at all. She grew older and had to move out of the trailer where I grew up. She was in the hospital for cancer and I managed to visit her once. She was in a nursing home as she slowly lost her cognitive functions. She always asked about me when visitors came and would hope for the day when I would come visit. I managed one visit in years. She died and I have no idea when I last saw her before that. She spent the second part of her life getting irrevocably attached to me and then losing me. I disappointed her greatly.

My mother always encouraged me and fed my growing intelligence. She told me how smart I was all the time through grade school and high school. She did what it took to provide for and nurture a budding intelligence. I was, at different times, enrolled in an engineering program and a pre-veterinarian program. I am neither an engineer nor a veterinarian. I am not a medical provider, though I grew up with medical professionals all around me. One college diploma later, I am an EMT (a one semester course) and a registration representative (requisite? a one semester course). Neither pays enough to live above basic needs. I have disappointed my mother.

My wife saw my potential and married a man who could be anything he put his mind to. She has lived through periods of marriage where we bought generic brand foods and didn’t buy new clothes. She has lived though periods of working an extra job on the weekends to pay the bills. She inherited thousands of dollars of debt when she married me and had to help me pay it off instead of starting her marriage ahead of the game. She has worked long shifts, she has worked extra shifts, and she had worked physically demanding jobs. She has skimped and sacrificed and taken the brunt of living a low income lifestyle. Instead of pushing myself to constantly better myself and our situation, she is burdened with a man who finds contentment for too long with too little. I have disappointed the very love of my life.

If you were to ask me, completely out of this, or any, context, the three people I love or have loved most in my entire life, I would list these three women. I have let them all down to varying degrees, from the excusable to the unforgivable. I have become deplorable, and when I verbalize it, it hurts.

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4 Responses to Disappointing Everyone

  1. *daniel says:

    You know, I got told the same thing a lot. Still do. I could do whatever I put my mind to.

    But I haven’t. I don’t know what holds me back. Maybe it’s a combination of inertia and apathy. I don’t know.

    Same boat, my friend. The burden of great expectations.

  2. Roger says:

    Inertia and apathy are two close friends of mine.

  3. Wife says:

    I am so happy to call you my husband. We are in this together. I love you.

  4. As an engineer who’s spent nearly a full year unemployed, I can tell you that the joy is in getting up again.

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